I Believe

I received an e-mail today that was forwarded to me. I thought I'd share it.

I BELIEVE

I believe...That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret...It could change your life forever.

I believe...Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe...That your life can be changed in a matter of hours be people who don't even know you.

I believe...That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe...That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe...That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I believe...The happiest of people don't have the best of everything; they just make the most of
everything they have.

Please be Patient

For all my followers, I apologize for my absence this week. I am going through some difficult times emotionally right now. I hope you understand. I am leaving for spring break (Spring Training in AZ) tomorrow, so hopefully I will be able to share some positives when I get back. I hope you understand.

Impossibly Possible

I haven't been blogging the last few days as I've been not feeling well. I just got back from watching Alice in Wonderland in 3D. As I watched it one message kept coming from the movie: Anything is possible. I know that in my own life, there are things that seem like they're impossible. Yet, one must always maintain the same attitude as Alice. If you can envision the impossible it can become possible. As long as something remains impossible in our minds, that is what it will remain; impossible. So today, those things that seem too big for me will be conquered, because there is nothing impossible with God.

The Eye Of The Beholder

I have been discovering that I have a defect in my character. At least I think it is a defect. I know that I love beautiful things. Now that I am single, I am overwhelmed with the number of beautiful women all around. I see one woman and think, "God, she's beautiful, I'd like to meet her." In the next moment I see another woman with a completely different look, and yet I'm attracted to her too. I think that all the years of being married kind of numbed me to this sensitivity. It just wasn't kosher as a married man. Plus, the wife would've given me a backhand if if she saw me checking another woman out.

So here's my dilemna: Is this a normal response? Or am I just "objectifying" these women? I know that what is on the inside is so important in having a relationship, and I've had ladies with very nice personalities approach me and ask me out. But I'm not attracted to them. I don't want to pursue that type of relationship with someone I'm not attracted to.

I just don't know how to deal with these new feelings and emotions. Its not like I'm 17 anymore. I know there is more to a woman than her looks. But I'm unable to get past the idea that many women my age remind me too much of my mom. In my mind I still feel young. What to do, what to do.....

A Small Rudder Can Change The Course of Large Ships

I am discovering that saying how to live is not the same as living what you say. It is hard to change patterns of thoughts and behavior overnight. It is like trying to turn an ocean liner around. It cannot be done in just a few seconds. Momentum is acting against you. They say the older you are, the harder it is to make changes. For me, this seems to be true. I try to repeat to myself things that I've heard; positive ways of looking at things. But it seems that when stress happens, I revert back to old patterns. This is very frustrating, and actually creates a vicious cycle, I'm afraid. Then there are those who say I am good the way I am; that I don't need to change; or that I can't change. That I am what I am and that's the way it is.

I know that I am good. That is not the point. I want to be the best I can become. I've said it before, "good enough is the enemy of the best." I guess the place I really need to start is discovering the stessors in my life that cause me to respond negatively.

I am disovering that teaching is a stressor for me. Fortunately, I have completed my Administrative Credential, which will allow me to get out of the classroom. It's not the teaching that stresses me. It's the environment I am in. I spend more time dealing with students that don't want to be there, or just want to act out to get attention, that I really can't teach. This is frustrating to me. I care about these kids, but I feel like I am babysitting. By the time 4th period ends, I am ready to go down to Taco Bell or Jacks and pig out. Intellectually I know this is not good for me. Yet emotionally, I can't seem to help myself.

Another stressor for me is living with my daughter. I love her, but living with her (or maybe it's her living with me)creates continuous friction regarding household responsibilities. How can I find myself as a single man, when I still have my daughter living with me. I am trying to help her get on her feet financially so she can move out, but this adds to the stress, as my checking account is stretched to the max.

I guess today I am just venting. But I guess I need to take inventory so that I can make some positive steps out of the rut I've been in.

Tragedy or Comedy

I've decided to post some of my poetry on this blog. It's not Tennyson or Longfellow, but I just want to express myself....

What Might Have Been
Three days in the sunshine a lifetime ago
A beautiful blond goddess I knew
Her kiss left me breathless, aching for more
Then she bid me adieu

Watching her walk up the grassy knoll
The most beautiful figure I’d seen
I thought to myself “If I let her go now,
I’ll always wonder what might have been”

We wrote a few letters declaring devotion
Like young lovers always do
But we were destined by fate to be apart
Never again to pas de deux

Many summers have passed since she left me trembling
My amorous heart fills with desire
As once again our paths have crossed
And like a fool I begin to conspire

How can I bring this goddess back into my life
To hold her again and embrace
Alas, but she's taken another lover
She now kisses someone else's face

Separated by time, separated by miles,
Obstacles too large to breach,
What can I do to steal her away
When she is still just out of my reach

---Ron Pennington 2009


Waiting
Waiting, Wondering, Anticipation
Hoping, Fearful Perspiration
Maybe, Someday, Inspiration
Wanting, Someone’s Adoration

-Ron Pennington 2010

The Comet
A comet streaked across my sky
Bright and clear was she
Then vanishing much too soon
Never to return to me

My broken heart went super nova
Exploding beyond repair
And now a black hole fills this space
A space I want to share
-Ron Pennington 2010

Fountain Of Youth

I got an e-mail from a friend yesterday. I just need to share it. It comes from a George Carlin bit, and I think it is really meaningful. I am going to try to follow this advice.

How to stay young:
1. Throw out nonessential numbers.
This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever…
Never let the brain idle.
“An idle mind is the devil’s worshop. And the devil’s name is Al Zheimers.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. Tears happen.
Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person, who is with us our entire life is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love.
Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, etc.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health
If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don’t take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall, even to the next country;
But NOT where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them;
At every opportunity.

Will Work For Food

I have decided that I am going to start treating my personal finances like a business. I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck only to find out there is more month than paycheck. You know what I mean. They say that there is wisdom in getting counsel from someone who knows what they are talking about. So I've decided to seek the advice of someone with professional experience in finance. I may never get rich this way, but I'm tired of making the banks rich. Wish me luck (and if you'd like to make a donation, Pennington is spelled with 2 N's).

Disjoined At The Hip

One thing that I've come to realize is that when you are married for almost 28 years and then divorce, it leaves a huge whole in you. Despite the issues we had, I've come to realize that there is a connection or a bond that runs deep. I was coming home from dinner this evening and I felt like an amputee. That's the only way I can describe it. It literally felt like part of my body was gone. When you are used to being able to just go do something, you just take it for granted that they will be with you. I have nothing witty or special to say about this. It's just how I felt.

Smoking Weeds

Well it's been a couple days since my last blog. Been kind of busy. I was still pondering about my blog from the other day about gardening when I was a kid. I kept remembering those days when my brother and I would have to use a hoe (for those of you in the Vallejo area that is a garden tool) to get the weeds out of the garden. I remember how as long as we were consistent about doing the weeding every few days, the job was easy and didn't take long. But if we let it go for a week or two, the job would take forever. It was because the weeds had had a chance to sink their roots deeper into the soil. Two things happened as a result. The weeds would compete with the vegetable plant for water and soil nourishment, and they would actually "choke" the plants. I remember sometimes having to unravel the little critter's tenacle like vines from around the plants.

So what does this have to do with finding me. I am discovering that there are weeds that have grown up in the garden of my soul that have been left unattended to for way too long. To root them out is going to take some extra effort, that wouldn't have been needed, had I dealt with it when it was just sprouting up. These weeds, have been competing for the things my soul needs for nourishment. They have actually choked out some of the goodness that was growing in me. So here I am with a proverbial hoe for my soul. This is going to take some time. In the end, there's going to be a big pile of weeds to burn. I can see the smoke now. I know they have "Chiken Soup for the Soul" but I would settle for just some Roundup.

"I Ams What I Ams" - Popeye

I don't know which is more difficult: Looking inside myself and conducting a self-evaluation or sitting in front of a blank screen thinking of something to write. I started this project in order to document my journey to find me. But since so many people have started to read it, I'm finding myself feeling like I am writing for the benefit of others. How do I find the right balance?

I guess maybe that is something to evaluate. Why do I feel like I need other's approval? I know everyone wants to be liked; to be appreciated. I think I am just like everyone else. Yet, as I look at my life experiences, I notice a trend. I try to do or be what I think others want me to do or be, thinking that they will like me. There are two flaws in this characteristic. First, and probably the most obvious, is the absurdity of trying to be something I am not. What a waste of energy. I am what I am, for better or worse. There are some things I can change (like my hairstyle), and there are some things I can't (my height or eye color). Second, is the audacity of assuming I know what someone else wants. You know what they say about when you assume. But, so many times I have been a chameleon; changing with the surroundings. Trying to fit in. Now that I think about it, authenticity is really more attractive and appealing than playing roles. So from now on I'm going to just be myself, and not worry about any criticism (constructive or not), and just tell it like it is; to call 'em like I sees 'em; to remove the masks I wear and reveal myself. Wait, I don't mean reveal myself. That would get me in big trouble. Well metaphorically speaking I guess. Okay, I've got to go get my foot out of my mouth now.

Friends Without Benefits

This afternoon I was thinking about the importance of friendship. I came across some great quotes about friends and thought I'd share them here:

"I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and new."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A faithful friend is a strong defense; and he that hath found him hath found a treasure."
- Louisa May Alcott

"I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favor of the kings of the world."
- Thomas Edison


Since splitting up with my wife of almost 28 years, I have realized that despite our issues, we were good friends. So now we are friends without benefits as they say. I am discovering that I have really very few close intimate friends. Though I have many acquaintances, and I have great relationships with them, there are only a few that I trust deeply enough to share my inner most thoughts and feelings. Even while I blog, there are some things I don't discuss, because it is a public forum. This is my quandry. There are things about myself that I don't share with people, for fear that they will reject me or judge me. I think this is a barrier that keeps people outside my "circle of trust." Yet, my heart's desire is to have more intimate friends. So how do I balance this?

Fried Green Tomatoes

"We grow because we struggle, we learn and overcome." - R.C. Allen

I remember when I was a boy, we always had a garden in the backyard. I remember one year my dad decided we'd have tomatoes. That's because the year before we planted zucchini. Anyone knows that you don't need to plant 10 mounds of zucchini. We ended up with so much zucchini that we had it just about every meal. Fried zucchini, baked, zucchini, boiled zucchini, zucchini bread and so on. So anyway, we planted tomatoes, and of course my brother and I were assigned the task of weeding the garden periodically. One day we were all out working on the garden, and my mom began to remove a large dirt clod that seemed to be crushing a new tomato sprout. Immediately my dad told her not to remove it. He said it was the obstacles that make the plant strong enough to endure to maturity.

As I was thinking about this event, I started thinking it was a great metaphor for life. In life, there are obstacles that seem to be hindering our growth. Yet it is those very obstacles, that give us what we need to grow. Personally, I'd prefer not having to deal with the obstacles, and that is probably why I have been "developmentally disabled" in some areas of my life. I know that I've been accused in the past of trying to skirt the issues, or taking shortcuts. So here I am in a season of my life like none before. There are no shortcuts. There is no avoiding the issues. I must meet the challenge head on and become stronger as a result. This is not a fun process. It is agonizing; gut-wrenching; mentally and emotionally exhausting. I must go through this, but I don't have to go through it alone. That is why we have our friends and family. We need each other for support.

I have found some new friends at the church I started attending recently. Their friendship is genuine. Their concern is authentic. They take the time to call and check on me. They help me when I need help. So to my new friends at Gateway in Benicia, thank you. But I digress.

Someone once said if life gives you lemons you make lemonade. But what about tomatoes? Tomato sauce? Tomato ketchup? Tomato paste? I guess the principle is the same. Personally, I prefer fried green tomatoes....yummy.

Field of Dreams

I am a competitive person. I always have been. From the time I started playing Little League when I was nine, I have wanted to win. I hate losing. There were times when I would bend the rules to win. I remember playing third base one time. I was about 13 or 14. I was on a bad team that year. I hated it. So we were one out away from winning our final game. That would be two wins for that year...ugh.

The runner rounded second and on the play at third, I caught the ball and tagged the runner as he slid. He beat the tag and he would have been called safe, except that his momentum made him off balance and as I tagged him, I caused my body weight to kind of "gently" nudge him off the base. He was called out, and we won the game. I was totally satisfied with myself. I hadn't cheated, but I took advantage of somebody elses' vulnerability to get what I wanted. In hindsight, it wasn't very ethical. I never stopped to consider the ramifications of my actions. The team we were playing lost out of going to the playoffs. It really didn't matter if our team lost. Did I say we were bad? I mean really bad. You know what they say, it's hard to fly like an eagle when you're playing with turkeys.

Anyway, I remember the look of disgust on the face of the other team's coach. You know what, karma IS a bitch! I was selected for the allstar team that year, and guess who was the coach. You guessed it! So what happened? The coach made me an alternate. I was way better than the player he kept on the active roster. Being an alternate means you only get to play if someone on the roster gets injured. I couldn't even sit in the dugout. I had to sit in the stands during the games with the other alternate. It was a humiliating experience. Do I think that play at third base affected the coach's decision. I have no doubt.

A couple of lessons I have learned from experience such as this. Winning isn't everything. Having a winner means someone has to lose. It is the competition that is important. It is challenging myself to be the best I can. To compete to my utmost abilities. The second thing I learned is to never take advantage of someone else's vulnerability. Anyone up for a game of catch?

Anyone Up For Whitewater Rafting?

I've been thinking alot about new beginnings. I have started a new chapter, as they say, in my life. Life is like a river. It flows in one direction. You can never go back. The trick is the decisions you make are like choosing which tributary to follow. Some directions will lead into treacherous rapids, while others will take you through slow deep pools. Still others will take you through both. What each tributary has in common is they will all reach the same destination at some point. So now I'm traveling uncharted waters. No maps to refer to. There is some dread, but I've jumped in. There's no going back.

I read something today that Dan Custer said, "Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my life up to this moment, to come to this day. This moment--this day--is as good as any moment in all eternity. I shall make of this day--each moment of this day--a heaven on earth. This is my day of opportunity." I wonder if he is related to General George Custer.

Take A Chance On Me

"Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star." W. Clement Stone

Today I was sending out e-mails on the Match.com site. You know, the online matchmaking site. Well I was going throught the different profiles, which also list that person's preferences. I kept bypassing several profiles, because I kept seeing that according to that persons settings, I was either too short, or too old, or too something for their tastes. Then it donned on me. Why am I selling myself short. If I don't send an e-mail to that person, then the chances of ever meeting that person are zero. That's nada; zippo...Then I was reminded of something a sales manager once said about the chance of a yes answer is 0% if you don't ask the customer if they want to buy. The point is how often in our lives do we miss out on something spectacular, extraordinary, marvelous, live-changing, because we never step out and take a chance. So I've decided to stop disqualifying myself beforehand in anything in life. If I don't measure up to someone's ideals. That's their decision and has no basis on my value or what I can do. Gee, I have to get back to sending e-mails now....

Rock N Roll (Not what you think)

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials." This is an old Chinese proverb. Since Sunday was the Chinese new year, I thought this would be appropriate. I can really relate to this teaching. It reminds me of when I was about 11 or 12 years old. I received a rock tumbler kit for Christmas. I had to throw a bunch of little rocks in a plastic jar thing, and add a little bit of water. Then I plugged it in and it would spin around like a rotisserie. At first I would check it ever 5 minutes or so. No change. After about an hour, still no change. This went on all day. Still no change. A kid wants immediate results. There is no waiting. I'm sorry to say, that I ran that tumbler for weeks. I never saw any change in the rocks. They were just as jagged as when I put them in there. They were just wet.
So what's my point? When we are undergoing trials, we want to see the end as soon as possible. But the polishing of our character takes time. The harder the stone, the longer it takes. Boy, I must really be a diamond in the rough.

There's No Such Thing As An Atheist In A Foxhole

I just finished writing a response to a post from an old friend on another website. He calls himself an atheist (I don't believe in atheists). It made me start to think about the logic, or lack thereof, in saying, "there is no God." First, when studying philosophy and logical argument, I learned it is impossible to prove a universal negative. To say something does not exist means you can be present everywhere, all the time. In other words, to say there is no God means you must be omnipresent, and omniscient. But by saying there is no God, you have just declared yourself to be a god. After all, only God can be omnipresent and omniscient. So if you say there is no God, you have just contradicted yourself. This is the same as saying, "there is no absolute truth." You must then ask, "is that statement absolutely true?" Either way you answer it, you prove that the statement is false. Thus, there must be absolute truth.

I know that this blog is supposed to be about finding me. So forgive this detour into the metaphysical, logical, and sublime. But I guess finding me, means I have to find the reason for me (and I don't mean because my parents...well you know....)....I guess finding God is as good a place to start. To deny God's existence is to deny my own existence. Afterall, if there is no purpose or reason to any of the cosmos, then that includes me. I don't believe that for a minute. I have a purpose (even though my plans get messed up from time to time), and I believe I will fulfill that purpose, whether I am aware of it or not. Even the atheist has a purpose; he made me stop and think.

Metamorphosis or Bullfrogs and Butterflies

Today I got re-baptized. I was 7 years old the first time. I thought since my life is kind of starting over, I'd do it. My Mulligan, if you will. A symbolic act. But more than that. I needed to die to certain things in my life that were robbing me of joy. This is not a deep philosophical treatise or anything; nor am I going to theologize it. It was just a chance to publicly state that the old Ron is dead and gone and the new Ron is now emerging. I guess you could say it's like the catepillar/butterfly analogy; or the tadpole/bullfrog one (please no princess kissing frogs comments). Either way, there is a transformation that is taking place in me. I am not saying it is a different me. I am still me. I look the same, sound, the same, tell the same silly jokes (I do need to get some new material). There have been changes in me that I still coming to grips with. Obviously I am a single man now. But I am not talking about that. I just know I have been searching for answers to questions. For years, I was unable to get answers to the questions, but now the answers are becoming clear to me. It's like I finally wiped the steam off my glasses. What's that old song, "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone." By no means is the journey over. The transformation is a work in progress. But for the first time I feel like I'm actually on the right path. Where was GPS when I started this journey.

Can't Buy Me Love

Okay, so I didn't blog yesterday. I had two papers to write for school. These fingers can only take so much abuse. Anyway, I was realizing that tomorrow will be the first Valentine's day in 30 years that I didn't have a "Valentine." I began to think about the economics of love. What is that old Beatles song "Can't Buy Me Love?" The first chorus and verse goes like this (sing it with me):

Can't buy me love, love
Can't buy me love

I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright
I'll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright
'Cause I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love

In this world, love means there is a cost involved. It doesn't matter how you package it, it is going to cost you. If you want a girlfriend, you're going to have to spend money taking her to dinner, to movies, to museums; whatever it is that suites your fancy.

If you want a wife, it costs all of the above, plus the cost of a diamond ring, a wedding, a honeymoon, and a house, condo or apartment. Oh and if you want to stay married, then you better continue to fork out the money for the dinners, movies, etc. and mow the lawn.

If you just want a little "nookie" or as they say "friends with benefits," or "no strings attached," type relationship, that will also cost you. The monetary costs may not be as much(unless you're paying for a professional),but the toll on your psyche will definitely drain your emotional bank account.

Do I sound like a cynic? Maybe I am a little. But I've tried it all, and I've come to the conclusion that the love that people are paying for is really a mirage. It isn't real. If you have to pay for something, then it becomes a commodity. A commodity can be traded. It can be valued (overvalued or undervalued). It forces people to make economic decisions on something that is transient; it has a shelf-life.

That is why I am taking another look at something I'd forgotten about; AGAPE. Agape is the Greek word for a special type of love. It is love that doesn't buy or sell. It is given freely, without expectation of something in return. It's the kind of love that causes an 18 year old nun named Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu, to give her whole adult life to feeding and caring for orphans (she wasn't always called "Mother Teresa"). It's the kind of love that compels a 19 year old soldier to jump on top of a grenade to save his brothers in arms. It is the kind of love that causes an innocent man to allow himself to be executed for a crime he didn't commit, in order to save the lives of the guilty parties who are the object of his love.

That is the kind of love I am looking for. I guess money really can't buy me love!

Who's Your Daddy?

Today my son called me and told me he was having some car problems and asked if he could borrow my car so he and his girlfriend could get to work. Without hesitating I told him he could use my car. I began to think about my 3 kids (they're grown ups now) and became a little nostaglic. They have been such a wonderful part of my life over the last 26 years. When I am down and feeling defeated, I think about the biggest success I could have ever had are those 3 blessings. They fill me with such pride and joy. They are amazing people. They have issues like we all do, but they are good people. They love God. They love their parents. They are loyal to their friends and each other. I know I can't take all the credit, but when I see my son play his guitar, and my daughter draw, and my other daughter's desire to serve and help others, this fills me with a Father's pride. Then I started to realize that is how God looks at me. He's a proud pappa. He knows I have issues. But he's still proud of me. He loves me unconditionally. He wants to help me when I am in trouble and need a hand. You can't see it, but I'm grinning from ear to ear right now.

Extreme Makeover Ron Edition

I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition the other night. These people who have been devastated by one thing or another have their home rebuilt by the team and the volunteers from the community. What I was thinking was, "wouldn't it be easier just to remodel the home they already have." Then it dawned on me that this is a great metaphor for my life. I've tried for years to remodel my "home", namely me. I've tried to spackle here and rewire there. But there comes a time when you just need to demolish the whole thing and start fresh. That's kind of where I am in my life. I realize that trying to patch leaks, and put down new floors and install new roof shingles just isn't enough. I think that's how God sees it too. He takes a look at this sorry, run down, broken shell, and says, before I build here I need to tear down the whole building. This is a huge undertaking, and very painful in many ways. I don't like the process, and it often seems that things are just getting worse and worse. But the master plan is to build a whole new building. With new appliances; new furniture; new fixtures, etc. I guess that explains why we go through so much sometimes. We get so messed up, that the only reasonable thing to do is to start from scratch. So I've decided that I'm going to start from scratch too. I was baptised in my church when I was 7. I'm going to be re-baptised this sunday. Some have said this won't make a difference and there's no need to do it. I figure it can't hurt.

Romantic Comedy or Tragedy

Today I remembered something about myself that I need to keep in mind. I am a hopeless romantic. I know that my marriage is over, but there were things in our relationship that were really good. I went by her office today just to chat, and we both talked about the things we miss. Being a hopeless romantic means that you can imagine all sorts of scenarios. Like falling in love again. Well next time I do something stupid, someone slap me in the face; or pour a bucket of ice water on my head. It became very obvious to me during our conversation that there is no way on earth that we could ever get together again.

So now I must continue on my search for me and what will bring happiness and fulfillment. Please don't give me the line about how God will be all you need. Have you noticed that it's people who have someone that usually tell you that; or someone who has no chance at love. Sorry, I'm being cruel. Let's just be honest, we are designed to be connected intimately with someone else. The problem is there are so many potential people that I could fall for, but I'm still comparing them to my ex. I guess that would be normal. I really don't have any other reference point. When you fall in love at 18 and are married at 19 and married for 28 years, it doesn't give you musch else to compare with.

In the mean time, I will just have to keep trying to be the best me I can. Someone will take notice someday. I think that love is such a rare and precious thing, that we grasp for it whenever it presents itself. Even if it's just an illusion; a mirage; a spectre. This is why so many make bad choices in their relationships.
I guess we are all hopeless romantics to some degree.

Checking Too See That I Haven't Pulled All My Hair Out

I had one of those days today that makes me wonder why I became a teacher. Some general said that even the best laid battle plans are useless once the first shot is fired. That's the way it was today. I have a lesson plan, I provide the students with a way to keep track of their assignments, and I'm good to go. But they sometimes have another agenda. I usually don't have to send students out of the room for unruly behavior, because they know the rules and procedures. But today, for some reason, maybe Super Bowl fever, they forgot how to be students. Ugh. So why do I do this? Why do I continue to expose myself to this abuse. And now the school district wants to take money from my check for overpaying on my sick leave. When it rains, it pours.

I have to remember my motivation for being an educator: To be a positive influence in the lives of young people. To provide them with skills they can use; both academic and life skills. The frustration I have is it seems the population I serve has another agenda. An agenda that undermines what I am trying to do. I had a student the other day who complained that he didn't have money for a 50 cent poster board, but in the same discussion, wanted to show me his $200 shoes. Is there something wrong with this picture? I guess I am just venting today. I could use another cup of coffee. Starbucks anyone?

Seasons in the Sun

Someone once said that it is never too late to become what you always could have been. I like that. I think that statement can be expanded to say "Never too late to DO"...or "Never to late to say"....well now that I think about it, it can be too late to do or say something; like saying I love you, or doing something special for someone you care about. I know this to be fact. For years my dad and I had planned to go to spring training and taking my son along. We never got around to it for one reason or another. Then last June my dad passed away. It just hit me now that the Superbowl is over. Spring training is less than a month away. I've started making arrangements to take my son to spring traing this season. We're both Giants fans and come hell or high water, we're gonna get there. I've got family to stay with, so all we need to do is decide if we want to drive or fly. Round trip tickets from Oakland to Phoenix for two about $500. Spending 12-15 hours in the car hanging with my son, priceless...Don't wait for it to be too late to do that thing you've always planned to do, but never did. Now where did I put my Giant's cap and foam finger?

Cookie Jars

I am starting to realize how difficult it is to change my programming. No, not the programming on the VCR. I'm talking about the accumulation of messages we receive from others during our formative years. We are told this is good, while the other is bad. If you do this, you will be liked and accepted or more holy, but if you do that you will be outcast or shunned, or in danger of hell fire. We internalize these messages. They become part of our makeup. They become part of how we view the world. It is why we feel guilty about some things. And I for one don't like to feel guilty. I'm sure I'm not the only one. In fact, that is why there are so many methods that we humans have developed to rid ourselves of these feelings. We can go down to the alter on Sunday, or say 15 Hail Marys, or pay resistution; whatever it takes. The list is probably as long as what people can imagine.

The thing is that if even if you choose to not feel guilty, the feelings will be there none the less. I know that's how it is with me. In my mind, I know that there is nothing wrong with certain things. But that's what I've been taught. Not just from my parents, but from my culture, my society, my church. Yet, because of my programming, I still must endure the pangs of guilt. This is no way to live. Why do we cripple our children by teaching them ridiculous things, that make no rational sense, but are adhered to because it is what we were taught; and the previous generation was taught, ad infinitum. Who's bright idea was it that it is a "sin" to go to the movies, or go to dances, or drink alcohol, or become intimate with the love of your life before doing the vow thing. All these things are means to control people. They are not about living. They don't make someone better or worse.

This is why religion to me is not about life. It's about control. Somebody has to be in control, and that requires someone to be controlled. If people are out of control, then there is no order. No predictability. This is what religions have done throughout the centuries. If people didn't behave a certain way, they were shunned, or labeled a heretic, excommunicated, or told they are "backslidden." By the way, you can only backslide if you go down a Slip 'N' Slide feet first.

Okay now I'm feeling guilty for writing this...what's that about?????

Let Them Eat Cake

Yesterday was my birthday. This made me ponder on cake. Go figure. They say you can't have your cake and eat it too. I say that cake was never meant to just looked at for it's artistic charm. Do you ever see a child at their first birthday party sit there and admire the cake. No way! They don't follow ceremony or tradition. They don't worry about blowing out the candle or making a wish. They dive right in and make a mess; with both hands, and sometimes their face.

The point is, we often limit ourselves because of a misconceived notion that to pick one good thing means to forsake anther good thing. I think I have lived most of my life based on other people's rules and expectations. Most of them religious rules that use guilt to control behavior.

At the risk of mixing metaphors, I am no longer just going to color within the lines. I am going to explore what's outside the boundaries. I am going to experience all the beauty of what God has made. Obviously I'm not talking about breaking laws. But I am going to challenge rules and expectations that man makes in the name of religion. I will not be a conservative, just because today being a "Christian" means being a political conservative. I disagree, and I would say that if Jesus were here today, he would be considered pretty liberal in a lot of ways. This is not a political speech, it's just to make at point. The point is I will base my opinions and my actions on what I believe to be right and true; not on what someone else says. I will not be a lemming anymore.

This life is full of wonder and surprise. It is full of beauty and majesty. I am not going to miss any of it, because of someone else's notions. I am now putting on my protective equipment and helmet waiting for all the stones ready to be thrown at me now.

Sign Me Up

I was having lunch today at a local taqueria and when I looked out the window, I saw one of those sign people standing on the sidewalk waving their advertisement. This particular one happened to be for a tax service company. First I thought, "What a boring job." Then I begin to ponder a little about what I'm advertising. We don't realize we are holding up a sign advertising something every minute of the day. We advertise based on our actions, our conversations, our interactions with others. We send a message about who we are and our perceptions of the world 24/7 (minus sleep time of course). So I've decided I'm going to be more careful about the sign I'm holding up. I wonder if I can get one in neon? That would be cool!

I Really Am A Fungi (Fun-Guy)

I'm suppose to answer a question on an assignment about poisonous and non-poisonous mushrooms as a metaphor for how things grow in relationships (specifically for educational leaders). As I ponder about his, I think that the application can go far beyond the educational field. We all know that mushrooms on pizza or in spaghetti sauce are great (unless you're one of those crazy people who don't like pizza or spaghetti). But I have to remember that even the best mushrooms are cultivated from "shit" (excuse the french). Mushrooms are a fungus. They are not a vegetable. They thrive on dead and decaying organisms. So I guess what I'm trying to say is whether the mushrooms are poisonous or not, they are going to grow. Nothing you can do about it except make the best of it. Hey, some of the poisonous ones make for the best psychadelic trips (not that I'm advocating it). So I guess what I'm saying is, expect the mushrooms to grow. Use the mushrooms. Make great pizza. Try to avoid eating the poison ones, but just know they are there. I don't know if this is making any sense, but I do know that I've been shoveling the shit for awhile now.

I Guess Actions DO Speak Louder Than Words

Something I learned yesterday: In western culture, we value form over function. For example, we give mental accent by saying "I believe this or that." Yet in eastern cultures, function is critical. You cannot say, "I believe this or that." Only someone else can say that about you, based on their observation of your actions. I could not say, "I believe in charity." Someone else must say, "Ron believes in charity, because he gives to the poor and needy." This is really an eye opener. I need to re-evaluate my "beliefs." Do my mental accents about my beliefs line up with my actions? Can someone tell me what I believe, based on your observations of my actions? Let me know in your comments.

Superbowls and Baggage Checks

Last night as I was laying my head on my pilllow to go to sleep, I had a flashback to Superbowl XVI (that's 16 for all the laypeople out there), January 1982. My 49ers were about to make their first trip ever to the Superbowl that year. What I remembered was a photo that was in the paper a few days before the game. It was a picture of the Niners' Head Coach Bill Walsh greeting his players at the entrance of their hotel dressed in a bellhop uniform. Apparently, he greeted all his players and put their luggage on the cart. I doubt if he actually took them up to the room. Anyway, as I flashbacked to that scene, a word came to me. It was like God was saying, "You can check all your baggage here. I'll take care of this for you." I know from personal experience that carrying around personal baggage is exhausting. So I chose today, to leave all my baggage behind at the door and let God take care of it. I wonder if he does room service?

Me, Myself and I

Today is a beautiful day. Went to breakfast by myself. Wrote a paper by myself. Paid my bills by myself. Read the paper by myself. Typing this blog by myself. I'm I lonely? No. I am good company. Most of the time. The point is I am learning it is okay to be by myself. I'd much rather be hanging with someone else. But I am okay by myself. Even though there are things about me that I don't like, I am still going to be good to me. I can do things on my own and I don't have to get permission, or make an apology later. I have to live my life. No one can do it for me. While I have others in my life who I care for and want the best for, I can not live their life. Trying to live someone elses life is to live vicariously. It is not authentic. Too often, we live through other people's eyes. We act with a view of what others will think or say. These are artificial boundaries. I choose not to live this way anymore. I am good. I know what is inside me, even if other's don't. I am worth getting to know. Ron Pennington is becoming the best Ron Pennington that Ron Pennington can be. Never wrote about myself in the third person before. Guess I am discovering my identity.

So Here's To You Mrs. Robinson.

I was trying to get to sleep last night, but I couldn't help doing a little self-reflection. I don't like to admit this but I've had a mistress for more years than I can count. My mistress has always been there for me; to take care of my lusts; to sooth my heartaches; to prop me up when I'm feeling depressed. My mistress never says no to me. My mistress never has a headache. My mistress never leaves me wanting. Before you start throwing stones, let me explain. My mistress is food. I have had a torrid relationship with food ever since I can remember. Of course when your young and active, you can get away with this kind of affair. It is easy to hide. I think it started when I was in high school after breaking up with my girlfriend. My mom gave me a big bowl of ice cream. It was so good. So decadent. It really did help my emotions, it just distracted me for awhile. I think that is the root of the problem. When I'm sad or depressed, or upset, or bored, I look to food as my mistress. Well there it is. It's out in the open. Now that I've confessed, I guess I should start seeking some professional help. I wonder if Dr. Drew is available?

From Russia With Love or So much for Glasnost

I have discovered that I am not so desperate for love that I will fall for a scam. The woman I have been corresponding with, and who said she wants to come to see me, called me today and said she needed money because her embassy requires a round-trip ticket, and she only has enough money for a one-way ticket. So she asked me to send her some money. I had been suspicious from the beginning and told myself that if at any point she asked for money, that I would not send it, because that is how scams work. So, anyway, she said she will send me a copy of the communique from her embassy. I sent her an e-mail stating that I would be willing to purchase a round-trip ticket in her name, if she wired me the funds for the one-way ticket she was supposed to purchase (putting the shoe on the other foot so to speak). We'll see if she is sincere, or if it's just another scam. I went to a website that deals with Russian scams, and there is a host of scenarios described by victims. Almost all of them start with the woman making contact and declaring their hope for love within a few e-mails. Arrangements are made to travel to see the victim, but then they need a large sum of money for some reason. When the person sends the money, they never hear from the person again. Sounds famillar doesn't it. We'll see, what happens. But at this point, I think this is another one of those fantasies I tend to chase. But at least I still have my cash. Mental note: How many beautiful 20 something women, fall in love with 47 year old man, they've never met. Something is rotten in Denmark, or Moscow, or where the heck ever.

Is it Live or is it Memorex?

Not much introspection today. Just a manic Tuesday, which it were Friday; that's my payday, my I don't have to starve day. Hey those would make good lyrics to a song. I think I'll call it "Just Another Manic Tuesday." I got another song in the works; going to call it "Walk Like A Phoenician." I'm going to call the band The Dangels.

Ok, I know I'm being silly, but it brings up a good point. Authenticity vs. Counterfeit. I know they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But I think that what I need is to be more authentic. To stop trying to be someone I'm not. To stop copying those I admire and just be myself.

I guess I ended up doing a little introspection afterall. Wonder if anyone knows a good producer?

You've Got Mail

I watched a movie a while back called "You've Got Mail" with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I always that it was cute, but rather unrealistic. That was until a short time ago when I got a "penpal." She actually found me, to be truthful. We've been exchanging e-mails pictures for a while now. We have alot in common, but she lives on the other side of the world. Literally. So I'm resigned to just being penpals. Then I get an e-mail today, saying that she just got a bonus at work and she wants to come to see me. Okay, so now I'm getting nervous. I'm still waiting for the details as she has to get her travel visa done.

So why am I so nervous? Well, I realize that I am good at keeping people at a distance. Even though my heart aches for closeness and intimacy, it easy for me to put up a wall that only a few people are allowed past. This is something I desperately need to change. But I'm not sure I know how. What if the real me is not as good as the virtual me? What if the things that I think are great about me are not what is important? What if she takes one look and runs the other way? Don't know if I can deal with more rejection.

Playing Hide and Seek with God

I've had a lot of down time lately. All caught up on my homework. No plans until next weekend. So my dilemna is when I have this much time to think and evaluate my life, there are passages in my mind that are like deep caves. They are scary. I don't want to go down that path, because I know there are scary creatures there. I'm speaking metaphorically of course. These places in my thinking need to be exorcised so to speak. Yet, I don't even want to go there because of the pain that it causes. But if I don't deal with it, it is always going to be lurking in those dark places. In the shadows. Waiting for an opportune moment to assault me when I am least prepared to defend myself.

I've been taught that God is always there for us. I just wonder what the heck He was doing when these memories were being made. Was He on vacation? Was He taking a coffee break? Was he low on miracles? I know these questions may seem ridiculous, but that's how I feel sometimes. I get tired of feeling like God is playing a game of hide and seek with a blind person. Marco....Polo....

A Friend in Need...

Yesterday was a tough one for me. Had someone fraudulently use my check card before I could report it lost or stolen...they spend almost $300 and overdrew my account. Then yesterday afternoon my daughter's dog bit me when I tried to put on his leash. I mean he bit me hard and woudn't let go. Then to top it off, I developed a sty on my eye. I look like a freak right now.

I was being really challenged emotionally. Sometimes it's like a snowball effect. Usually I can deal with one thing at a time. One disappointment, or one challenge, or one assault on my emotions. But when they come in bunches, it is really hard to maintain my emotional equilibrium.

I am blessed to have some good friends. When they saw my facebook post last night, they called me and invited me to dinner. Then they took me to see the late showing at the movies. We had a great time together. I needed that. I say all this to say that we should never underestimate the power of friendship. Being there for those you care about is so important. So now I need to get off my emotional rollercoaster and look around and see how I can be supportive to my loved ones.

No Wallflower Here

I am currently taking a course on Leading and Managing Change and one of the articles I just read had a great quote about change. It's from Curt Vonnegut's novel Cat's Cradle: "Unusual travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God." What a great way to view change. Change is constant, yet we usually resist it. We like our comfort zone. Yet God may be asking us to dance with Him. To let Him take the lead so to speak. I know I resist making changes for fear of the unknown. I worry about getting it right. I worry about what other people might think. I focus on the destination so much that I forget that the joy is in the journey. What happens if the destination changes in the middle of the dance. Is my effort to that point wasted? Not at all. Sometimes you have to get from point A to point B before you can ever get to point X. Like the saying goes, you can't get there from here.

Being able to act in uncertainty is one of the keys to managing change in our lives. It is the skill of being able to move with insufficient data. You never have enough information to make a decision. But if you wait for perfect information, you risk losing the moment. When you are dancing, you have to make your moves in tandum with your partner. The information is always cloudy and incomplete. That's when we need to let our partner take the lead.

So I chose to let the One who knows me best take the lead. To trust that the moves that I'm making are what He wants. To focus on being together with my partner, rather than on the next move. I just hope He likes the Jitter Bug.

I Need a Backhoe

I was thinking about that old philosophical conundrum about what happens when an irresistable force meets an immovable object. Of course these two things are mutually exclusive. The presence of one precludes the other. But I'm just thinking how difficult it is to change oneself. As I investigate and evaluate myself, I realize there are some significant changes I'd like to make. But I want the changes to happen now, and it's impossible. I want to move the mountain with one shovel full of dirt. But I need to be reminded that is not how change happens (unless you have some dynamite). To move a mountain, you need to take it one shovel at a time. Fill up the bucket, one at a time. Dump the bucket into the truck, one at a time. When the truck gets full you dump it and then start again. If you stay with it long enough, you will one day look up and realize that the mountain is moved. If only I had that irresistable force to wipe out this immovable object. I don't. So I'm reaching today for one shovel of dirt.

No Regrets

Today's blog will be simple and direct. Lucille Ball once said, "I'd rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not done." What have I left undone? Did I neglect to tell someone I love them, or I'm proud of them? Have I failed to give to those who are in need? Have I spent time with the lonely? Have I forgotten to pray for those who need a miracle? What is it that still needs to be done?

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head...

Today it is raining cats and dogs...and I stepped in a poodle...but seriously....
Rain makes a mess of things. Puddles, slippery roads, flooded streets, muddy shoes, muddy carpets, etc. Yet, without the rain, there would be a drought. Those of us in California can definitely relate to this. No new growth. The seeds waiting patiently in the ground to germinate, have to wait a little longer. Trees don't grow as fast during dry years. You can tell from their growth rings when there has been drought. I think that rain is is a good metaphor for life. What's that song say, "In every life a little rain must fall." This year has brought monsoons in my life. I look around and see the results of the devastation. It's going to take awhile to clean it all up. To rebuild. Yet all those seeds that have been laying dormant in my life are now starting to germinate. I am discovering and rediscovering things about me that I had forgotten about. I am having feelings that I forgot I could have. I've started to write again; to write poetry and songs. I am starting to look ahead with hope and with vision. The dormant Ron has germinated! Get ready for the new and improved me!

Artichokes and Onions (or Peelings, Nothing More Than Peelings)

The first time I ever ate an artichoke, I was so excited to get to the middle, that I just quickly peeled back the layers, only to find nothing in the middle. I remember being so disappointed, that I accused my mom of playing a joke on us. Then I learned that you have to enjoy each leaf. You have to take the leaf, dip it in mayo or some other dip and use your teeth to kinda scrape of the good stuff from the leaf. It's a process, and the joy is in the journey.

Onions, on the other hand, are different. You wanna peel the outer layer off quickly and slice it, dice it, or whatever you're going to do to it, as quickly as possible. If you don't the tears will soon be flowing. Anyone who's ever done this can attest that it is not a pleasant experience.

So I'm thinking, is this self reflection and introspection more like an artichoke or an onion? Should I take the time to savor each discovery or should I just get it over with as soon as possible, because it can be too painful otherwise? Or is it possible to do both? I don't know. This is my quandry.

Thank You For Being A Friend

I had dinner with some new friends last night. After we ate (I slurged on Prime Rib), we sat there for 3 more hours just talking and having a good time. As I reflect on this, I realize how important relationships are to me. My makeup is all about the interconnectedness of family, friends, and myself. Making the time to spend time together is the key. It is so easy for me to get so busy with what I am doing that I don't make the time. Then I start to feel lonely, and depressed and don't realize why. So I am resolving (not a New Years' resolution) to make more time for relationships. Not only so, but I am going to seek out new relationships. To engage people I don't know in conversation. I did that this morning at Starbucks. It made both of us stop and appreciate the beautiful morning and today's endless possibilities. I am resolving to care about what others are going through. To be part of this wonderful place we call life.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

From the time I was a youngster my folks always said, "God has a plan for your life, Ron." I hear people quote the verses like, "I know the plans I have for you. Plans to bless you and not to curse you." That's all well and good. But I think I've wasted alot of time and opportunities worrying about if something I decided on was God's plan. I think the plan is that I do something. The plan is that I be something. The plan is that I take the talents and abilities I have and use them. It doesn't really matter how. What matters is that I take what I've been given and use it productively. In a way that will not only make me happy, but will benefit others. That's the plan. It's the same for everyone. So let's stop worrying about the perfect plan, or if it's God's will. As the Nike commercial says, "Just Do It." That is the plan. So now I have to decide how I want to make the plan look.

Buried Treasure

It is easy to focus on the negative when examining yourself. Those are the things that scream for attention. I think most people are that way. So I'm going to try to focus on the positive from now on. At the risk of sounding like I'm tooting my own horn, here goes nothing.

I belief I possess a tremendous amount of talent that I can express in various ways. I write poetry and songs. I draw. I write. I can play multiple instruments. I have a great sense of humor and I am especialy adept at using wit. I am very accepting and loving of people in general. I feel I have a big heart. I am kind and respectful toward others. I have a good mind, and the ability to reason and analyze at a high level. I am loyal to my family and friends. I try to put others needs before my own. I am patient with people. After saying all this can I also list being humble.

I think that everyone should stop and take inventory of themselves and try to focus on the positives. It makes you feel good.

Good vs. Excellent

I once heard it said that "good enough" is the enemy of "the best." When I consider my life, I think I have often done just enough to get by. I know I was like that in school. I had the ability to get A's, but a B was just fine with me if it meant I didn't have to work as hard. Just a bit above average, but not excellent; not outstanding; not the best. Often work has been the same way. Just doing enough to get by without extra effort.

This is something I want to change. I want to be excellent; to be outstanding; to be the best that I can be. It means putting in that extra work. It means not settling for good enough.

Friend of Mine

"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." - Hecato, Greek Philospher.

The process of finding myself means that I must befriend myself. I must change for the better those things I can change. I must accept those things that I cannot change. The hard part is knowing the difference. I guess that is why we all need a little wisdom.

A friend accepts you for who you are. A friend is there for you when you are in trouble or upset. A friend will listen to you, and give you honest answers. A friend likes to spend time with you.
So for me, it means that I must accept me, to like me, to be honest with myself, to spend time by myself, to care for myself.

Ghostbusters

I am guilty of chasing ghosts. I have been focusing on a mirage. My emotions and efforts were entangled in a love affair without substance. A fantasy. Fortunately, I have come to my senses, before anymore time and effort was expended. Sometimes you just need a slap in the face or a bucket of water poured over your head to make you wake up.

Two things that I am taking from this experience:
One, I will no longer try to relive the past or to try to make things fit into my life the way I always thought they should. I will live in the present, and each day expect great things to happen. The past is past. No sense wasting anymore time on it.

Two, before doing the introspection I've been engaging in, I would have internalized my disappointment, and made an excuse to go on an eating binge. I drove by a popular burger restaurant, and my emotions were saying feed me. I wasn't hungry. I had already eaten dinner. My pain and rejection were calling out to me, "Indulge us!" But I know now that I deserve better. I am more powerful than those voices. I don't have to give in. I am taking care of me. So I went home and ate an orange, and had a good night's sleep.

Waiting to Exhale

We are all familiar with moments that take our breath away. Our first kiss, a beautiful sunset, a newborn baby, majesic mountains and such. This is a natural response to something exquisite; something special. I've been looking at my life and I'm starting to realize that I spend way to much time waiting for the next wonderful thing. I need to breathe. To exhale. To experience the now, rather than waiting for something else to come along. I spend too much time reminiscing about the past experiences or impatiently waiting for the future. But both of these steal from the present. In reality there is no past or future. That is a structure of the mind. Our brains remember, and have the ability to forecast based on past experiences. I'm not saying we shouldn't appreciate the past or the future. It's just that I have wasted so much of my life doing this that I have missed out on my present. No longer. Carpe Diem as they say. Seize the Day. So what shall I do? Today......

Consistency

I suppose my life has been characterized by being consistently inconsistent. I tend to start projects but don't finish them. I start a diet or exercise program but it never seems to last too long. As I reflect on me, I can say that I don't really like this quality. Am I afraid of success? Why do I do this? Is it because I lose focus?

I think that I need to learn to take things in smaller chunks. When I take on too much, I get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, and it paralyzes me. I need to focus on the task at hand, and not worry about the long-term goal.

Insisting on Myself

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Insist on yourself. Never imitate." As I ponder on this quote I think about how many people try to be like somebody else. They copy their style, their mannerisms, their lifestyle and such. I know I have been like that at times. Or maybe we try to be someone else to impress someone else. That's probably even more common.

As I search for the authentic me, I guess a good place to start is to be an authentic me. I am an original. I am unique. I am endowed with special skills, abilities, talents, resources, and experiences, the combination of which no one else possesses. There is no one in this world exactly like me. As such, I bring to mankind that which only I can bring. There is a place for me in this world and mankind is better off having me in it. Does this sound full of pride? I think if more people had this attitude, then there would be much less disingeneousness going around.

Patience with Patients and Patients with Patience

It's said that patience is a virtue. Some say that if you pray for patience, you can be sure to get trouble. It's been written that love is patient. So what is patience. The dictionary defines patience as the act of being patient. Big help. So I looked up patient. It comes from the latin word that means to suffer. There are 5 definitions given:

1. Bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint.
2. Manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain.
3. Not hasty or impetuous.
4. Steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.
5. Able or willing to bear.

Looking within, I think that in some ways I am a very patient person. I have endured much pain and suffering for a long time. But at the same time I can be very hasty or impetuous. I see something I want and I go for it. Sometimes to my detriment. But sometimes it has been worth it. Is it possible to be both patient and impatient? This is an area that I need to investigate further. Is it possible that there are times when impatience is a virtue?

Optical Illusions and Magician's Tricks

Life is full of disappointments. I've had my fair share. I guess everyone says that. I am beginning to realize what is more important is how I perceive the situation. Perception can be misleading. An optical illusion or a magician's trick are classic examples. You perceive with your senses one thing, but it is not actuality. The same goes for disappointments. Often, our pre-conceived ideas or notions lead us astray. I suppose one thing, but the reality is something different. Thus, I become disappointed when my expectations are not met.

So now I am going to change my attitude toward disappointments. I will resolve to look at the situation from all angles, to make sure I am perceiving correctly. I don't have to be devastated when I am disappointed. It's not always me. Sometimes the outcome of a situation has nothing to do with me. There are other factors involved.

I must learn to be patient in every situation. To make sure I am viewing everyting correctly and not being led astray by my presuppositions.

Pill Bugs and Armadillos

As I continue to look within to learn more about who I am, one thing is clear: I hate conflict. I think confict is the lowest form of human interaction. I am not talking about a debate on an issue. This is a constructive way to discuss and resolve issues. I'm talking about the senseless arguments, name calling, accusations and the like, that go on between people who say they "love" each other. Some people call it drama. I call it a travesty.

I avoid conflict like the plague. I will do whatever necessary to get out of a situation in which I am being threatened. I will lie if it is necessary. I will stay away from the person creating the drama. I am like one of those rolly pollies or pill bugs, that roll up into a protective ball when you touch it. Armadillos are the same way. They have that hard outer shell and soft insides. When these creatures feel threatened they go into defense mode. Of course if someone decideds to squash them, nothing they do is doing to help.

So I am trying to get to the root of my conflict avoidance. Do I not value myself enough to stand up for what I think is right? Am I just so much of a "lover" and not a "fighter" that I do this. Is there a time for peace and a time for war? These are the questions I am asking myself at present. I don't have the answers yet.

Miss Match

No witty thoughts today. Just realizing that being on my own means I am wholely responsible for my life. Having said that, I am also realizing that I am such a social creature, I need to do things with people. After being married for so long, you develop relationships with other married people. It becomes much harder to meet quality single people when you are older, because you're much more settled in your career, and have less leisure time, like you did in college. At the suggestion of a friend, I joined Match.com. I've sent out about 100 e-mails. I've only received 2 returns, and they said "Sorry, not a match. Good luck in your search." My profile has been viewed 25 times. Nothing like setting yourself up for rejection. I think I'm going to rethink this approach. It's one thing to be rejected by people you know, but being rejected by people you've never met kinda hurts.

Ex-Cons

I have a cousin that will soon be getting out of prison. When prisoners are freed from prison, they still are not really free. They have to report to a parole officer on a regular basis, and there are a number of things they cannot do depending on the terms of their parole. I think divorce is like being paroled from prison. You are glad your sentence is over. You've done your time. But there are connections to the past that still linger; joint debts, tax bills, children, memories, etc.

How do I find "me" when I am still entwined in this old relationship? Will I always have this connection? Even after financial entanglements are over, I still have the children and memories (there were some good ones). My daughter is living with me right now. We are not very combatible I've discovered. Conflicts abound. I fear the patterns that were developed during my marriage are being replayed. Guess I'm going to have to man up and arrange for her to find somewhere else to live. I don't like conflict, and I know this is going to cause a huge argument.
It's either this or my friends can find me in an institution soon.

New Beginnings

This year I resolved not to make any resolutions. So far it's going well. As I think about this new year in its infancy, I think about possibilities. The decisions I make today will determine the possibilities tomorrow. I realize now that where I am today is a result of the decisions I made before. I will choose to make good decisions today about what I eat, working out, reading something inspiring, calling friends and loved ones just because (even though it is a holiday).

Something that I am evaluating about me is "Why do I seem to be attracted to women that are either geographically or emotionally unavailable. Is there an underlying reason? Fear of rejection maybe. If they are not available then I can blame that if they don't want to be with me. I would like to find someone who let's me be me and likes me for being me. Life is a marvelous, exciting journey. It's nice to have someone to share it with. Someone who actually wants to be there with you....