Disjoined At The Hip

One thing that I've come to realize is that when you are married for almost 28 years and then divorce, it leaves a huge whole in you. Despite the issues we had, I've come to realize that there is a connection or a bond that runs deep. I was coming home from dinner this evening and I felt like an amputee. That's the only way I can describe it. It literally felt like part of my body was gone. When you are used to being able to just go do something, you just take it for granted that they will be with you. I have nothing witty or special to say about this. It's just how I felt.

Smoking Weeds

Well it's been a couple days since my last blog. Been kind of busy. I was still pondering about my blog from the other day about gardening when I was a kid. I kept remembering those days when my brother and I would have to use a hoe (for those of you in the Vallejo area that is a garden tool) to get the weeds out of the garden. I remember how as long as we were consistent about doing the weeding every few days, the job was easy and didn't take long. But if we let it go for a week or two, the job would take forever. It was because the weeds had had a chance to sink their roots deeper into the soil. Two things happened as a result. The weeds would compete with the vegetable plant for water and soil nourishment, and they would actually "choke" the plants. I remember sometimes having to unravel the little critter's tenacle like vines from around the plants.

So what does this have to do with finding me. I am discovering that there are weeds that have grown up in the garden of my soul that have been left unattended to for way too long. To root them out is going to take some extra effort, that wouldn't have been needed, had I dealt with it when it was just sprouting up. These weeds, have been competing for the things my soul needs for nourishment. They have actually choked out some of the goodness that was growing in me. So here I am with a proverbial hoe for my soul. This is going to take some time. In the end, there's going to be a big pile of weeds to burn. I can see the smoke now. I know they have "Chiken Soup for the Soul" but I would settle for just some Roundup.

"I Ams What I Ams" - Popeye

I don't know which is more difficult: Looking inside myself and conducting a self-evaluation or sitting in front of a blank screen thinking of something to write. I started this project in order to document my journey to find me. But since so many people have started to read it, I'm finding myself feeling like I am writing for the benefit of others. How do I find the right balance?

I guess maybe that is something to evaluate. Why do I feel like I need other's approval? I know everyone wants to be liked; to be appreciated. I think I am just like everyone else. Yet, as I look at my life experiences, I notice a trend. I try to do or be what I think others want me to do or be, thinking that they will like me. There are two flaws in this characteristic. First, and probably the most obvious, is the absurdity of trying to be something I am not. What a waste of energy. I am what I am, for better or worse. There are some things I can change (like my hairstyle), and there are some things I can't (my height or eye color). Second, is the audacity of assuming I know what someone else wants. You know what they say about when you assume. But, so many times I have been a chameleon; changing with the surroundings. Trying to fit in. Now that I think about it, authenticity is really more attractive and appealing than playing roles. So from now on I'm going to just be myself, and not worry about any criticism (constructive or not), and just tell it like it is; to call 'em like I sees 'em; to remove the masks I wear and reveal myself. Wait, I don't mean reveal myself. That would get me in big trouble. Well metaphorically speaking I guess. Okay, I've got to go get my foot out of my mouth now.

Friends Without Benefits

This afternoon I was thinking about the importance of friendship. I came across some great quotes about friends and thought I'd share them here:

"I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and new."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A faithful friend is a strong defense; and he that hath found him hath found a treasure."
- Louisa May Alcott

"I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favor of the kings of the world."
- Thomas Edison


Since splitting up with my wife of almost 28 years, I have realized that despite our issues, we were good friends. So now we are friends without benefits as they say. I am discovering that I have really very few close intimate friends. Though I have many acquaintances, and I have great relationships with them, there are only a few that I trust deeply enough to share my inner most thoughts and feelings. Even while I blog, there are some things I don't discuss, because it is a public forum. This is my quandry. There are things about myself that I don't share with people, for fear that they will reject me or judge me. I think this is a barrier that keeps people outside my "circle of trust." Yet, my heart's desire is to have more intimate friends. So how do I balance this?

Fried Green Tomatoes

"We grow because we struggle, we learn and overcome." - R.C. Allen

I remember when I was a boy, we always had a garden in the backyard. I remember one year my dad decided we'd have tomatoes. That's because the year before we planted zucchini. Anyone knows that you don't need to plant 10 mounds of zucchini. We ended up with so much zucchini that we had it just about every meal. Fried zucchini, baked, zucchini, boiled zucchini, zucchini bread and so on. So anyway, we planted tomatoes, and of course my brother and I were assigned the task of weeding the garden periodically. One day we were all out working on the garden, and my mom began to remove a large dirt clod that seemed to be crushing a new tomato sprout. Immediately my dad told her not to remove it. He said it was the obstacles that make the plant strong enough to endure to maturity.

As I was thinking about this event, I started thinking it was a great metaphor for life. In life, there are obstacles that seem to be hindering our growth. Yet it is those very obstacles, that give us what we need to grow. Personally, I'd prefer not having to deal with the obstacles, and that is probably why I have been "developmentally disabled" in some areas of my life. I know that I've been accused in the past of trying to skirt the issues, or taking shortcuts. So here I am in a season of my life like none before. There are no shortcuts. There is no avoiding the issues. I must meet the challenge head on and become stronger as a result. This is not a fun process. It is agonizing; gut-wrenching; mentally and emotionally exhausting. I must go through this, but I don't have to go through it alone. That is why we have our friends and family. We need each other for support.

I have found some new friends at the church I started attending recently. Their friendship is genuine. Their concern is authentic. They take the time to call and check on me. They help me when I need help. So to my new friends at Gateway in Benicia, thank you. But I digress.

Someone once said if life gives you lemons you make lemonade. But what about tomatoes? Tomato sauce? Tomato ketchup? Tomato paste? I guess the principle is the same. Personally, I prefer fried green tomatoes....yummy.

Field of Dreams

I am a competitive person. I always have been. From the time I started playing Little League when I was nine, I have wanted to win. I hate losing. There were times when I would bend the rules to win. I remember playing third base one time. I was about 13 or 14. I was on a bad team that year. I hated it. So we were one out away from winning our final game. That would be two wins for that year...ugh.

The runner rounded second and on the play at third, I caught the ball and tagged the runner as he slid. He beat the tag and he would have been called safe, except that his momentum made him off balance and as I tagged him, I caused my body weight to kind of "gently" nudge him off the base. He was called out, and we won the game. I was totally satisfied with myself. I hadn't cheated, but I took advantage of somebody elses' vulnerability to get what I wanted. In hindsight, it wasn't very ethical. I never stopped to consider the ramifications of my actions. The team we were playing lost out of going to the playoffs. It really didn't matter if our team lost. Did I say we were bad? I mean really bad. You know what they say, it's hard to fly like an eagle when you're playing with turkeys.

Anyway, I remember the look of disgust on the face of the other team's coach. You know what, karma IS a bitch! I was selected for the allstar team that year, and guess who was the coach. You guessed it! So what happened? The coach made me an alternate. I was way better than the player he kept on the active roster. Being an alternate means you only get to play if someone on the roster gets injured. I couldn't even sit in the dugout. I had to sit in the stands during the games with the other alternate. It was a humiliating experience. Do I think that play at third base affected the coach's decision. I have no doubt.

A couple of lessons I have learned from experience such as this. Winning isn't everything. Having a winner means someone has to lose. It is the competition that is important. It is challenging myself to be the best I can. To compete to my utmost abilities. The second thing I learned is to never take advantage of someone else's vulnerability. Anyone up for a game of catch?

Anyone Up For Whitewater Rafting?

I've been thinking alot about new beginnings. I have started a new chapter, as they say, in my life. Life is like a river. It flows in one direction. You can never go back. The trick is the decisions you make are like choosing which tributary to follow. Some directions will lead into treacherous rapids, while others will take you through slow deep pools. Still others will take you through both. What each tributary has in common is they will all reach the same destination at some point. So now I'm traveling uncharted waters. No maps to refer to. There is some dread, but I've jumped in. There's no going back.

I read something today that Dan Custer said, "Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my life up to this moment, to come to this day. This moment--this day--is as good as any moment in all eternity. I shall make of this day--each moment of this day--a heaven on earth. This is my day of opportunity." I wonder if he is related to General George Custer.

Take A Chance On Me

"Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star." W. Clement Stone

Today I was sending out e-mails on the Match.com site. You know, the online matchmaking site. Well I was going throught the different profiles, which also list that person's preferences. I kept bypassing several profiles, because I kept seeing that according to that persons settings, I was either too short, or too old, or too something for their tastes. Then it donned on me. Why am I selling myself short. If I don't send an e-mail to that person, then the chances of ever meeting that person are zero. That's nada; zippo...Then I was reminded of something a sales manager once said about the chance of a yes answer is 0% if you don't ask the customer if they want to buy. The point is how often in our lives do we miss out on something spectacular, extraordinary, marvelous, live-changing, because we never step out and take a chance. So I've decided to stop disqualifying myself beforehand in anything in life. If I don't measure up to someone's ideals. That's their decision and has no basis on my value or what I can do. Gee, I have to get back to sending e-mails now....

Rock N Roll (Not what you think)

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials." This is an old Chinese proverb. Since Sunday was the Chinese new year, I thought this would be appropriate. I can really relate to this teaching. It reminds me of when I was about 11 or 12 years old. I received a rock tumbler kit for Christmas. I had to throw a bunch of little rocks in a plastic jar thing, and add a little bit of water. Then I plugged it in and it would spin around like a rotisserie. At first I would check it ever 5 minutes or so. No change. After about an hour, still no change. This went on all day. Still no change. A kid wants immediate results. There is no waiting. I'm sorry to say, that I ran that tumbler for weeks. I never saw any change in the rocks. They were just as jagged as when I put them in there. They were just wet.
So what's my point? When we are undergoing trials, we want to see the end as soon as possible. But the polishing of our character takes time. The harder the stone, the longer it takes. Boy, I must really be a diamond in the rough.

There's No Such Thing As An Atheist In A Foxhole

I just finished writing a response to a post from an old friend on another website. He calls himself an atheist (I don't believe in atheists). It made me start to think about the logic, or lack thereof, in saying, "there is no God." First, when studying philosophy and logical argument, I learned it is impossible to prove a universal negative. To say something does not exist means you can be present everywhere, all the time. In other words, to say there is no God means you must be omnipresent, and omniscient. But by saying there is no God, you have just declared yourself to be a god. After all, only God can be omnipresent and omniscient. So if you say there is no God, you have just contradicted yourself. This is the same as saying, "there is no absolute truth." You must then ask, "is that statement absolutely true?" Either way you answer it, you prove that the statement is false. Thus, there must be absolute truth.

I know that this blog is supposed to be about finding me. So forgive this detour into the metaphysical, logical, and sublime. But I guess finding me, means I have to find the reason for me (and I don't mean because my parents...well you know....)....I guess finding God is as good a place to start. To deny God's existence is to deny my own existence. Afterall, if there is no purpose or reason to any of the cosmos, then that includes me. I don't believe that for a minute. I have a purpose (even though my plans get messed up from time to time), and I believe I will fulfill that purpose, whether I am aware of it or not. Even the atheist has a purpose; he made me stop and think.

Metamorphosis or Bullfrogs and Butterflies

Today I got re-baptized. I was 7 years old the first time. I thought since my life is kind of starting over, I'd do it. My Mulligan, if you will. A symbolic act. But more than that. I needed to die to certain things in my life that were robbing me of joy. This is not a deep philosophical treatise or anything; nor am I going to theologize it. It was just a chance to publicly state that the old Ron is dead and gone and the new Ron is now emerging. I guess you could say it's like the catepillar/butterfly analogy; or the tadpole/bullfrog one (please no princess kissing frogs comments). Either way, there is a transformation that is taking place in me. I am not saying it is a different me. I am still me. I look the same, sound, the same, tell the same silly jokes (I do need to get some new material). There have been changes in me that I still coming to grips with. Obviously I am a single man now. But I am not talking about that. I just know I have been searching for answers to questions. For years, I was unable to get answers to the questions, but now the answers are becoming clear to me. It's like I finally wiped the steam off my glasses. What's that old song, "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone." By no means is the journey over. The transformation is a work in progress. But for the first time I feel like I'm actually on the right path. Where was GPS when I started this journey.

Can't Buy Me Love

Okay, so I didn't blog yesterday. I had two papers to write for school. These fingers can only take so much abuse. Anyway, I was realizing that tomorrow will be the first Valentine's day in 30 years that I didn't have a "Valentine." I began to think about the economics of love. What is that old Beatles song "Can't Buy Me Love?" The first chorus and verse goes like this (sing it with me):

Can't buy me love, love
Can't buy me love

I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright
I'll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel alright
'Cause I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love

In this world, love means there is a cost involved. It doesn't matter how you package it, it is going to cost you. If you want a girlfriend, you're going to have to spend money taking her to dinner, to movies, to museums; whatever it is that suites your fancy.

If you want a wife, it costs all of the above, plus the cost of a diamond ring, a wedding, a honeymoon, and a house, condo or apartment. Oh and if you want to stay married, then you better continue to fork out the money for the dinners, movies, etc. and mow the lawn.

If you just want a little "nookie" or as they say "friends with benefits," or "no strings attached," type relationship, that will also cost you. The monetary costs may not be as much(unless you're paying for a professional),but the toll on your psyche will definitely drain your emotional bank account.

Do I sound like a cynic? Maybe I am a little. But I've tried it all, and I've come to the conclusion that the love that people are paying for is really a mirage. It isn't real. If you have to pay for something, then it becomes a commodity. A commodity can be traded. It can be valued (overvalued or undervalued). It forces people to make economic decisions on something that is transient; it has a shelf-life.

That is why I am taking another look at something I'd forgotten about; AGAPE. Agape is the Greek word for a special type of love. It is love that doesn't buy or sell. It is given freely, without expectation of something in return. It's the kind of love that causes an 18 year old nun named Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu, to give her whole adult life to feeding and caring for orphans (she wasn't always called "Mother Teresa"). It's the kind of love that compels a 19 year old soldier to jump on top of a grenade to save his brothers in arms. It is the kind of love that causes an innocent man to allow himself to be executed for a crime he didn't commit, in order to save the lives of the guilty parties who are the object of his love.

That is the kind of love I am looking for. I guess money really can't buy me love!

Who's Your Daddy?

Today my son called me and told me he was having some car problems and asked if he could borrow my car so he and his girlfriend could get to work. Without hesitating I told him he could use my car. I began to think about my 3 kids (they're grown ups now) and became a little nostaglic. They have been such a wonderful part of my life over the last 26 years. When I am down and feeling defeated, I think about the biggest success I could have ever had are those 3 blessings. They fill me with such pride and joy. They are amazing people. They have issues like we all do, but they are good people. They love God. They love their parents. They are loyal to their friends and each other. I know I can't take all the credit, but when I see my son play his guitar, and my daughter draw, and my other daughter's desire to serve and help others, this fills me with a Father's pride. Then I started to realize that is how God looks at me. He's a proud pappa. He knows I have issues. But he's still proud of me. He loves me unconditionally. He wants to help me when I am in trouble and need a hand. You can't see it, but I'm grinning from ear to ear right now.

Extreme Makeover Ron Edition

I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition the other night. These people who have been devastated by one thing or another have their home rebuilt by the team and the volunteers from the community. What I was thinking was, "wouldn't it be easier just to remodel the home they already have." Then it dawned on me that this is a great metaphor for my life. I've tried for years to remodel my "home", namely me. I've tried to spackle here and rewire there. But there comes a time when you just need to demolish the whole thing and start fresh. That's kind of where I am in my life. I realize that trying to patch leaks, and put down new floors and install new roof shingles just isn't enough. I think that's how God sees it too. He takes a look at this sorry, run down, broken shell, and says, before I build here I need to tear down the whole building. This is a huge undertaking, and very painful in many ways. I don't like the process, and it often seems that things are just getting worse and worse. But the master plan is to build a whole new building. With new appliances; new furniture; new fixtures, etc. I guess that explains why we go through so much sometimes. We get so messed up, that the only reasonable thing to do is to start from scratch. So I've decided that I'm going to start from scratch too. I was baptised in my church when I was 7. I'm going to be re-baptised this sunday. Some have said this won't make a difference and there's no need to do it. I figure it can't hurt.

Romantic Comedy or Tragedy

Today I remembered something about myself that I need to keep in mind. I am a hopeless romantic. I know that my marriage is over, but there were things in our relationship that were really good. I went by her office today just to chat, and we both talked about the things we miss. Being a hopeless romantic means that you can imagine all sorts of scenarios. Like falling in love again. Well next time I do something stupid, someone slap me in the face; or pour a bucket of ice water on my head. It became very obvious to me during our conversation that there is no way on earth that we could ever get together again.

So now I must continue on my search for me and what will bring happiness and fulfillment. Please don't give me the line about how God will be all you need. Have you noticed that it's people who have someone that usually tell you that; or someone who has no chance at love. Sorry, I'm being cruel. Let's just be honest, we are designed to be connected intimately with someone else. The problem is there are so many potential people that I could fall for, but I'm still comparing them to my ex. I guess that would be normal. I really don't have any other reference point. When you fall in love at 18 and are married at 19 and married for 28 years, it doesn't give you musch else to compare with.

In the mean time, I will just have to keep trying to be the best me I can. Someone will take notice someday. I think that love is such a rare and precious thing, that we grasp for it whenever it presents itself. Even if it's just an illusion; a mirage; a spectre. This is why so many make bad choices in their relationships.
I guess we are all hopeless romantics to some degree.

Checking Too See That I Haven't Pulled All My Hair Out

I had one of those days today that makes me wonder why I became a teacher. Some general said that even the best laid battle plans are useless once the first shot is fired. That's the way it was today. I have a lesson plan, I provide the students with a way to keep track of their assignments, and I'm good to go. But they sometimes have another agenda. I usually don't have to send students out of the room for unruly behavior, because they know the rules and procedures. But today, for some reason, maybe Super Bowl fever, they forgot how to be students. Ugh. So why do I do this? Why do I continue to expose myself to this abuse. And now the school district wants to take money from my check for overpaying on my sick leave. When it rains, it pours.

I have to remember my motivation for being an educator: To be a positive influence in the lives of young people. To provide them with skills they can use; both academic and life skills. The frustration I have is it seems the population I serve has another agenda. An agenda that undermines what I am trying to do. I had a student the other day who complained that he didn't have money for a 50 cent poster board, but in the same discussion, wanted to show me his $200 shoes. Is there something wrong with this picture? I guess I am just venting today. I could use another cup of coffee. Starbucks anyone?

Seasons in the Sun

Someone once said that it is never too late to become what you always could have been. I like that. I think that statement can be expanded to say "Never too late to DO"...or "Never to late to say"....well now that I think about it, it can be too late to do or say something; like saying I love you, or doing something special for someone you care about. I know this to be fact. For years my dad and I had planned to go to spring training and taking my son along. We never got around to it for one reason or another. Then last June my dad passed away. It just hit me now that the Superbowl is over. Spring training is less than a month away. I've started making arrangements to take my son to spring traing this season. We're both Giants fans and come hell or high water, we're gonna get there. I've got family to stay with, so all we need to do is decide if we want to drive or fly. Round trip tickets from Oakland to Phoenix for two about $500. Spending 12-15 hours in the car hanging with my son, priceless...Don't wait for it to be too late to do that thing you've always planned to do, but never did. Now where did I put my Giant's cap and foam finger?

Cookie Jars

I am starting to realize how difficult it is to change my programming. No, not the programming on the VCR. I'm talking about the accumulation of messages we receive from others during our formative years. We are told this is good, while the other is bad. If you do this, you will be liked and accepted or more holy, but if you do that you will be outcast or shunned, or in danger of hell fire. We internalize these messages. They become part of our makeup. They become part of how we view the world. It is why we feel guilty about some things. And I for one don't like to feel guilty. I'm sure I'm not the only one. In fact, that is why there are so many methods that we humans have developed to rid ourselves of these feelings. We can go down to the alter on Sunday, or say 15 Hail Marys, or pay resistution; whatever it takes. The list is probably as long as what people can imagine.

The thing is that if even if you choose to not feel guilty, the feelings will be there none the less. I know that's how it is with me. In my mind, I know that there is nothing wrong with certain things. But that's what I've been taught. Not just from my parents, but from my culture, my society, my church. Yet, because of my programming, I still must endure the pangs of guilt. This is no way to live. Why do we cripple our children by teaching them ridiculous things, that make no rational sense, but are adhered to because it is what we were taught; and the previous generation was taught, ad infinitum. Who's bright idea was it that it is a "sin" to go to the movies, or go to dances, or drink alcohol, or become intimate with the love of your life before doing the vow thing. All these things are means to control people. They are not about living. They don't make someone better or worse.

This is why religion to me is not about life. It's about control. Somebody has to be in control, and that requires someone to be controlled. If people are out of control, then there is no order. No predictability. This is what religions have done throughout the centuries. If people didn't behave a certain way, they were shunned, or labeled a heretic, excommunicated, or told they are "backslidden." By the way, you can only backslide if you go down a Slip 'N' Slide feet first.

Okay now I'm feeling guilty for writing this...what's that about?????

Let Them Eat Cake

Yesterday was my birthday. This made me ponder on cake. Go figure. They say you can't have your cake and eat it too. I say that cake was never meant to just looked at for it's artistic charm. Do you ever see a child at their first birthday party sit there and admire the cake. No way! They don't follow ceremony or tradition. They don't worry about blowing out the candle or making a wish. They dive right in and make a mess; with both hands, and sometimes their face.

The point is, we often limit ourselves because of a misconceived notion that to pick one good thing means to forsake anther good thing. I think I have lived most of my life based on other people's rules and expectations. Most of them religious rules that use guilt to control behavior.

At the risk of mixing metaphors, I am no longer just going to color within the lines. I am going to explore what's outside the boundaries. I am going to experience all the beauty of what God has made. Obviously I'm not talking about breaking laws. But I am going to challenge rules and expectations that man makes in the name of religion. I will not be a conservative, just because today being a "Christian" means being a political conservative. I disagree, and I would say that if Jesus were here today, he would be considered pretty liberal in a lot of ways. This is not a political speech, it's just to make at point. The point is I will base my opinions and my actions on what I believe to be right and true; not on what someone else says. I will not be a lemming anymore.

This life is full of wonder and surprise. It is full of beauty and majesty. I am not going to miss any of it, because of someone else's notions. I am now putting on my protective equipment and helmet waiting for all the stones ready to be thrown at me now.

Sign Me Up

I was having lunch today at a local taqueria and when I looked out the window, I saw one of those sign people standing on the sidewalk waving their advertisement. This particular one happened to be for a tax service company. First I thought, "What a boring job." Then I begin to ponder a little about what I'm advertising. We don't realize we are holding up a sign advertising something every minute of the day. We advertise based on our actions, our conversations, our interactions with others. We send a message about who we are and our perceptions of the world 24/7 (minus sleep time of course). So I've decided I'm going to be more careful about the sign I'm holding up. I wonder if I can get one in neon? That would be cool!

I Really Am A Fungi (Fun-Guy)

I'm suppose to answer a question on an assignment about poisonous and non-poisonous mushrooms as a metaphor for how things grow in relationships (specifically for educational leaders). As I ponder about his, I think that the application can go far beyond the educational field. We all know that mushrooms on pizza or in spaghetti sauce are great (unless you're one of those crazy people who don't like pizza or spaghetti). But I have to remember that even the best mushrooms are cultivated from "shit" (excuse the french). Mushrooms are a fungus. They are not a vegetable. They thrive on dead and decaying organisms. So I guess what I'm trying to say is whether the mushrooms are poisonous or not, they are going to grow. Nothing you can do about it except make the best of it. Hey, some of the poisonous ones make for the best psychadelic trips (not that I'm advocating it). So I guess what I'm saying is, expect the mushrooms to grow. Use the mushrooms. Make great pizza. Try to avoid eating the poison ones, but just know they are there. I don't know if this is making any sense, but I do know that I've been shoveling the shit for awhile now.

I Guess Actions DO Speak Louder Than Words

Something I learned yesterday: In western culture, we value form over function. For example, we give mental accent by saying "I believe this or that." Yet in eastern cultures, function is critical. You cannot say, "I believe this or that." Only someone else can say that about you, based on their observation of your actions. I could not say, "I believe in charity." Someone else must say, "Ron believes in charity, because he gives to the poor and needy." This is really an eye opener. I need to re-evaluate my "beliefs." Do my mental accents about my beliefs line up with my actions? Can someone tell me what I believe, based on your observations of my actions? Let me know in your comments.