The Impossible Dream

I am an eternal optimist. My ridiculous quest for that which is out of reach is how I am motivated. Why do I do this? This is me. When I set my sights on a goal or prize, I am focused on achieving that goal. Some say it is madness to continue to do the same thing and expect a different result. I say, it is madness to quit something just because there is no observable change. It may be the change is in me. That the striving and reaching and planning and pursuing is the point. I remember the lyrics from on of my favorite songs, "The Impossible Dream." I have printed them below to remind me that I must continue in my quest to find me.

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell
For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star

All the World's a Stage

It seems to me that I have spent most of my life being a spectator. I watch ball games. I watch people. I watch the news. I have always admired people who do. Why do athletes, and actors, and rock stars receive so much admiration (and money) in our culture. Because they are doers. The are the ones playing, acting, singing, producing. I have heard of Shakespeare's passage from "As You Like it." I had never read the whole. When I did this morning I began to realize that I had been a living as a prop on this stage. I have decided to start playing my part. The play will be much more lively and colorful with me in it. Possibly a Tony Award winner! Take time to read this soliloquy:

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

Shakespeare, from As You Like it.

The Secret Garden

I hate yard work. I think most people do. For me it probably stems from my childhood, when allergies got the best of me. I'd come in from mowing the lawn and my eyes would be itchy and puffy, and I would have hives on my arms. Needless to say, I avoided it at all costs. I still do. But someone has to do it. When it was my turn, I did it.

I think I need to start some personal gardening. Lot of overgrowth in my life. Time to trim a few wayward vines so to speak. Gardening the soul is not just for looks; it's for the health of the landscape. It prevents weeds from encroaching.

So how does this apply to me. Time to cut off poisonous relationships. Time to begin planting new habits. Time to take the crap and make fertilizer. Then maybe go out an play lawn darts or croquet. Or maybe just enjoy the beauty of me.

Taking Risks

Today I mailed a letter to someone who I haven't seen for almost 30 years. In the letter I said some things that maybe I shouldn't have. But this is the new me. I'm going to be a risk taker from now on. If it means putting my heart out there and being vulnerable, so be it. That is better than keeping it locked away where no one can touch it. I don't know what the response will be to my letter, but I've already put it in the mail. No way to change it now. What's done is done. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I guess that is a good way to look at life. What's done is done. The past is past. Nothing I can do to change it now. Someone told me recently, "Make peace with your past, so you don't mess up your present."

Water Towers and Pine Cone Hunts

When I was four I had an experience that left an indelible impression on me. One that probably had a lot to do to shape my adulthood. My family lived at that time on a small college campus while my dad finished his degree. One day my mom asked me and another little boy my age to go to the campus store and pick up a loaf of bread. So we began walking down the parking lot to the store. On the way, we met another boy who was about 6 or 7. He asked us if we had ever seen the water tower. So we decided to take a little detour to see the water tower. When your four, your concept of passing time is not very acute. Little did we know that after about 10 minutes my mom began to worry and started looking for us. We were nowhere to be found. So while us boys were taking a hike up through the woods (this was in the Santa Cruz mountains), my parents had recruited other family members and college students to find us. Just about the time I was taking my first step up onto the water tower stairs, my folks pulled up in my uncle's car. They put us boys in the car and proceeded to take us home. When I got home, my mother gave me the spanking that I would not forget. She admits that she lost control and was yelling at me, "Don't you ever take off like that again." I never forgot that spanking or her words.

I think I was born to be an adventurer. I am attracted to anything that seems a little on the edge. But I've lived most of my life playing it safe. Doing the things that I thought others wanted me to do, rather than pursuing what I wanted and needed. I find it less than a coincidence that I spent 15 years as a safety consultant before becoming a teacher. Telling people how to"play it safe" became my career.

As a teenager, I had another experience that left an impression on me. I met a young lady at a youth camp. We hit it off as they say, and sparks flew. On one afternoon during the camp I was asked to go find some pine cones for a demonstration around the camp fire that evening . I asked this young lady to join me. This was a so against camp rules. But the opportunity for adventure presented itself, and the chance to be alone with that beautiful young lady was too great to pass up. Well, we didn't find too many pine cones in a pine forest. Hmmm. Well, the point was, I was allowing myself to become the adventurer for that brief moment.

Why do I say all this? Well as I am searching for me, I am beginning to realize that I have to stop playing it safe. I have to take risks. I have to do what makes me happy, not what I think others want of me. While taking advice is good. I still have to realize that I am the one who has to make the decisions in my life. I was born for the water tower trips and pine cone hunts.

Cocoons

I woke up this morning thinking about my new life and how it compares with the old one. The best way I can describe it is like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon after a long dormant period. It's like I stopped breathing for more than 27 years. Suffocating. Trapped, and unable to get out. Then recently, I begin to see a ray of hope. There was a tear in the crystalis. A small tear, but a tear none-the-less. Each day since, there has been a little more life. A little more hope. A little more freedom. Freedom to be me. To be the person I was meant to be. When people talk about something being beautiful they don't usually refer to the catapillar before its metamorphosis. They refer to that beautiful, full grown, butterfly that spreads its wings and flutters away. It goes anywhere it wants. I am breathing again.

Love is Not a Feeling, It's an Ability

Well here it is; Christmas day...A day to celebrate love, giving, and togetherness. My heart is full when I see my children gathered together, sharing their hearts with their grandma and me and with each other.

Some thoughts that went through my brain last night as I waited for Santa:

Love is messy. Love is inconvenient. Love does not always make sense. Love hurts sometimes. Love can leave a path of destruction in its wake. But love still overcomes.
How can I show my love to someone today? Someone once said, "Love is not a feeling, it's an ability." So simple, yet so profound.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas...

Well here it is Christmas Eve. Time to stop and think about all the blessings in my life. I am a blessed man. I have family and friends who love me. I have outstanding colleagues. I have generally good health. I have a career that is challenging and fulfilling. I am rediscovering me and that is an exciting proposition (if I do say so myself). I've begun a journey of a thousand miles it seems. Sometimes those first steps can be the hardest, and trickiest, but they have to be taken. With each step comes more confidence. One step at a time. One day at a time. Before you know it you've walked a mile; then another mile; then five, ten, a hundred miles....I can no longer make excuses. I must continue on the journey. It is my journey. No one can walk it for me, though it is nice to have people to walk with.

Happy and Sad

Had a great day today, Christmas shopping and putting around town. Then I was informed that a sweet girl that I know from Church, age 22, died today from complications of pneumonia. Only 22 freakin' years. I don't even pretend to understand the rationale for someone so young, so full of life being taken way too soon. My heart goes out to her family. I have experienced loss this year, and I know the pain of losing a loved one.

This makes me stop and think about all the wasted days in my life. Days spent doing nothing but watching the TV or laying in bed feeling sorry for myself. Life is too short and to precious to waste. Living is about movement. Being in motion. Why do people enjoy dancing? They are moving. Do you ever see someone who frowns while they're dancing? Live every moment; Laugh everyday; and Love beyond words....

One is not the loneliest number

I am on my own now. Time to take care of me. I tend to give and give of myself, and leave nothing in my tank. A friend once said to me, "No one is going to take care of you but you." So I am determined to focus on the things I need so that I can give to others out of abundance, rather than leftovers. Before, my saying this would make me feel self-conscious that others mighty see this as selfish. Now I am coming to realize that in order to really love someone, you have to love yourself first. This journey I am taking is somewhat frightening, and I feel out of my element. However, I think it will be worth it in the end.

Today I was Christmas shopping and the lines were horrendously long. The lady behind me had several things in her hands, but she didn't have a cart. I offered to let her put her stuff in my basket. We began a conversation (we had nothing but time), and then others began to converse with us. It is amazing what you can learn about people just from talking to them. Conversation is free, and the return on your investment is more than you would imagine. When we got to the counter, I offered to let her go ahead of me, since she was going to have to take her stuff out first anyway. She couldn't believe what I was saying. I had to insist. Are people so used to rudeness that they are taken aback when someone is generous. She thanked me profusely, and said she'd "pay it forward." We smiled. Amazing how just a simple act of kindness can permeate the atmosphere with that Christmas spirit. And I feel great!

Let the Mid-Life Crisis Begin!

Well I took the plunge today. Bought myself a little sporty coupe. I don't know what it means, but I feel like a teenager again. I'm starting to see that I have options. I don't have to live by someone elses rules or expectations. I am free to be me, and all that means. Spent hours talking to a friend today, I began to realize that this time in my life is going to fun. I deserve to enjoy each day to the fullest. Now I have to decide where I want to go first in my new wheels....

I'm Looking at the Man in the Mirror

Introspection. Everyone says its important to take inventory; to look inside ourselves. But how many people actually really do it, at least on a regular basis. Looking in the mirror is my least favorite activity. I have a mental image of what I look like, but it doesn't match what I see staring back at me when I'm shaving, or brushing my teeth. In the same way, I think I have tried to avoid looking in the mirror of my soul. I have an idea what I think I am, but I'm really not sure that if I take the time to really look inside, I may be horrified. This is my quandry. People I know say I am this or that, and they always have kind words. But the people I am closest to sometimes say things about me that are not pretty. Is this a true reflection of me or are they venting their frustration that I am not measuring up to their mental image of me. So where do I go from here? I know certain things about myself. For example I am a sensual person. That is, I love beautiful sights. I love beautiful sounds. I love different textures, and smells and tastes. However, I've been taught that I shouldn't indulge those pleasures, because they are "fleshly;" that I should focus on the "spiritual" things. I am starting to rethink, what I've been taught, and starting to believe the two are not mutually exclusive. Is it possible these "beautiful" things are a gateway to experiencing the spiritual?

A New Adventure

As you can plainly see this is my first blog. Why did I start it? Well, I am undergoing a new and exciting adventure; to find me. I know, I know, you didn't know I was lost. Well actually, in a way I am. This has been a rather traumatic year for me. As a result, I am taking inventory, so to speak. With the encouragement of a friend, I am setting out to discover who I am and what makes me tick. I just watched the movie Julie and Julia, and thought blogging about my journey would be a great way to document my path to me.

As I said, this has been a traumatic year for me. In the spring I was given a layoff notice from the school district where I teach. Then over the Memorial Day weekend I fell and tore the quadracep tendon in my right leg, which required surgery. During the time I was recouping in a cast, my wife of 27 years decided she didn't love me and wanted a divorce. The next day my dad died of complications from Parkinsons. In August the home I'd lived in for 15 years was foreclosed upon. Well at least I got my job back for the fall. Does that mean I'm looking at the glass half full. I think I need a different size cup.

So now I'm living on my own (well actually my oldest daughter, age 22 is staying with me until she and her two dogs can find a place of her own). Got a nice apartment, and I'm finally getting some interior decorating done. The walls were bare way to long. Maybe that's a metaphor for my life.