A Small Rudder Can Change The Course of Large Ships

I am discovering that saying how to live is not the same as living what you say. It is hard to change patterns of thoughts and behavior overnight. It is like trying to turn an ocean liner around. It cannot be done in just a few seconds. Momentum is acting against you. They say the older you are, the harder it is to make changes. For me, this seems to be true. I try to repeat to myself things that I've heard; positive ways of looking at things. But it seems that when stress happens, I revert back to old patterns. This is very frustrating, and actually creates a vicious cycle, I'm afraid. Then there are those who say I am good the way I am; that I don't need to change; or that I can't change. That I am what I am and that's the way it is.

I know that I am good. That is not the point. I want to be the best I can become. I've said it before, "good enough is the enemy of the best." I guess the place I really need to start is discovering the stessors in my life that cause me to respond negatively.

I am disovering that teaching is a stressor for me. Fortunately, I have completed my Administrative Credential, which will allow me to get out of the classroom. It's not the teaching that stresses me. It's the environment I am in. I spend more time dealing with students that don't want to be there, or just want to act out to get attention, that I really can't teach. This is frustrating to me. I care about these kids, but I feel like I am babysitting. By the time 4th period ends, I am ready to go down to Taco Bell or Jacks and pig out. Intellectually I know this is not good for me. Yet emotionally, I can't seem to help myself.

Another stressor for me is living with my daughter. I love her, but living with her (or maybe it's her living with me)creates continuous friction regarding household responsibilities. How can I find myself as a single man, when I still have my daughter living with me. I am trying to help her get on her feet financially so she can move out, but this adds to the stress, as my checking account is stretched to the max.

I guess today I am just venting. But I guess I need to take inventory so that I can make some positive steps out of the rut I've been in.