Superbowls and Baggage Checks

Last night as I was laying my head on my pilllow to go to sleep, I had a flashback to Superbowl XVI (that's 16 for all the laypeople out there), January 1982. My 49ers were about to make their first trip ever to the Superbowl that year. What I remembered was a photo that was in the paper a few days before the game. It was a picture of the Niners' Head Coach Bill Walsh greeting his players at the entrance of their hotel dressed in a bellhop uniform. Apparently, he greeted all his players and put their luggage on the cart. I doubt if he actually took them up to the room. Anyway, as I flashbacked to that scene, a word came to me. It was like God was saying, "You can check all your baggage here. I'll take care of this for you." I know from personal experience that carrying around personal baggage is exhausting. So I chose today, to leave all my baggage behind at the door and let God take care of it. I wonder if he does room service?

Me, Myself and I

Today is a beautiful day. Went to breakfast by myself. Wrote a paper by myself. Paid my bills by myself. Read the paper by myself. Typing this blog by myself. I'm I lonely? No. I am good company. Most of the time. The point is I am learning it is okay to be by myself. I'd much rather be hanging with someone else. But I am okay by myself. Even though there are things about me that I don't like, I am still going to be good to me. I can do things on my own and I don't have to get permission, or make an apology later. I have to live my life. No one can do it for me. While I have others in my life who I care for and want the best for, I can not live their life. Trying to live someone elses life is to live vicariously. It is not authentic. Too often, we live through other people's eyes. We act with a view of what others will think or say. These are artificial boundaries. I choose not to live this way anymore. I am good. I know what is inside me, even if other's don't. I am worth getting to know. Ron Pennington is becoming the best Ron Pennington that Ron Pennington can be. Never wrote about myself in the third person before. Guess I am discovering my identity.

So Here's To You Mrs. Robinson.

I was trying to get to sleep last night, but I couldn't help doing a little self-reflection. I don't like to admit this but I've had a mistress for more years than I can count. My mistress has always been there for me; to take care of my lusts; to sooth my heartaches; to prop me up when I'm feeling depressed. My mistress never says no to me. My mistress never has a headache. My mistress never leaves me wanting. Before you start throwing stones, let me explain. My mistress is food. I have had a torrid relationship with food ever since I can remember. Of course when your young and active, you can get away with this kind of affair. It is easy to hide. I think it started when I was in high school after breaking up with my girlfriend. My mom gave me a big bowl of ice cream. It was so good. So decadent. It really did help my emotions, it just distracted me for awhile. I think that is the root of the problem. When I'm sad or depressed, or upset, or bored, I look to food as my mistress. Well there it is. It's out in the open. Now that I've confessed, I guess I should start seeking some professional help. I wonder if Dr. Drew is available?

From Russia With Love or So much for Glasnost

I have discovered that I am not so desperate for love that I will fall for a scam. The woman I have been corresponding with, and who said she wants to come to see me, called me today and said she needed money because her embassy requires a round-trip ticket, and she only has enough money for a one-way ticket. So she asked me to send her some money. I had been suspicious from the beginning and told myself that if at any point she asked for money, that I would not send it, because that is how scams work. So, anyway, she said she will send me a copy of the communique from her embassy. I sent her an e-mail stating that I would be willing to purchase a round-trip ticket in her name, if she wired me the funds for the one-way ticket she was supposed to purchase (putting the shoe on the other foot so to speak). We'll see if she is sincere, or if it's just another scam. I went to a website that deals with Russian scams, and there is a host of scenarios described by victims. Almost all of them start with the woman making contact and declaring their hope for love within a few e-mails. Arrangements are made to travel to see the victim, but then they need a large sum of money for some reason. When the person sends the money, they never hear from the person again. Sounds famillar doesn't it. We'll see, what happens. But at this point, I think this is another one of those fantasies I tend to chase. But at least I still have my cash. Mental note: How many beautiful 20 something women, fall in love with 47 year old man, they've never met. Something is rotten in Denmark, or Moscow, or where the heck ever.

Is it Live or is it Memorex?

Not much introspection today. Just a manic Tuesday, which it were Friday; that's my payday, my I don't have to starve day. Hey those would make good lyrics to a song. I think I'll call it "Just Another Manic Tuesday." I got another song in the works; going to call it "Walk Like A Phoenician." I'm going to call the band The Dangels.

Ok, I know I'm being silly, but it brings up a good point. Authenticity vs. Counterfeit. I know they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But I think that what I need is to be more authentic. To stop trying to be someone I'm not. To stop copying those I admire and just be myself.

I guess I ended up doing a little introspection afterall. Wonder if anyone knows a good producer?

You've Got Mail

I watched a movie a while back called "You've Got Mail" with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I always that it was cute, but rather unrealistic. That was until a short time ago when I got a "penpal." She actually found me, to be truthful. We've been exchanging e-mails pictures for a while now. We have alot in common, but she lives on the other side of the world. Literally. So I'm resigned to just being penpals. Then I get an e-mail today, saying that she just got a bonus at work and she wants to come to see me. Okay, so now I'm getting nervous. I'm still waiting for the details as she has to get her travel visa done.

So why am I so nervous? Well, I realize that I am good at keeping people at a distance. Even though my heart aches for closeness and intimacy, it easy for me to put up a wall that only a few people are allowed past. This is something I desperately need to change. But I'm not sure I know how. What if the real me is not as good as the virtual me? What if the things that I think are great about me are not what is important? What if she takes one look and runs the other way? Don't know if I can deal with more rejection.

Playing Hide and Seek with God

I've had a lot of down time lately. All caught up on my homework. No plans until next weekend. So my dilemna is when I have this much time to think and evaluate my life, there are passages in my mind that are like deep caves. They are scary. I don't want to go down that path, because I know there are scary creatures there. I'm speaking metaphorically of course. These places in my thinking need to be exorcised so to speak. Yet, I don't even want to go there because of the pain that it causes. But if I don't deal with it, it is always going to be lurking in those dark places. In the shadows. Waiting for an opportune moment to assault me when I am least prepared to defend myself.

I've been taught that God is always there for us. I just wonder what the heck He was doing when these memories were being made. Was He on vacation? Was He taking a coffee break? Was he low on miracles? I know these questions may seem ridiculous, but that's how I feel sometimes. I get tired of feeling like God is playing a game of hide and seek with a blind person. Marco....Polo....

A Friend in Need...

Yesterday was a tough one for me. Had someone fraudulently use my check card before I could report it lost or stolen...they spend almost $300 and overdrew my account. Then yesterday afternoon my daughter's dog bit me when I tried to put on his leash. I mean he bit me hard and woudn't let go. Then to top it off, I developed a sty on my eye. I look like a freak right now.

I was being really challenged emotionally. Sometimes it's like a snowball effect. Usually I can deal with one thing at a time. One disappointment, or one challenge, or one assault on my emotions. But when they come in bunches, it is really hard to maintain my emotional equilibrium.

I am blessed to have some good friends. When they saw my facebook post last night, they called me and invited me to dinner. Then they took me to see the late showing at the movies. We had a great time together. I needed that. I say all this to say that we should never underestimate the power of friendship. Being there for those you care about is so important. So now I need to get off my emotional rollercoaster and look around and see how I can be supportive to my loved ones.

No Wallflower Here

I am currently taking a course on Leading and Managing Change and one of the articles I just read had a great quote about change. It's from Curt Vonnegut's novel Cat's Cradle: "Unusual travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God." What a great way to view change. Change is constant, yet we usually resist it. We like our comfort zone. Yet God may be asking us to dance with Him. To let Him take the lead so to speak. I know I resist making changes for fear of the unknown. I worry about getting it right. I worry about what other people might think. I focus on the destination so much that I forget that the joy is in the journey. What happens if the destination changes in the middle of the dance. Is my effort to that point wasted? Not at all. Sometimes you have to get from point A to point B before you can ever get to point X. Like the saying goes, you can't get there from here.

Being able to act in uncertainty is one of the keys to managing change in our lives. It is the skill of being able to move with insufficient data. You never have enough information to make a decision. But if you wait for perfect information, you risk losing the moment. When you are dancing, you have to make your moves in tandum with your partner. The information is always cloudy and incomplete. That's when we need to let our partner take the lead.

So I chose to let the One who knows me best take the lead. To trust that the moves that I'm making are what He wants. To focus on being together with my partner, rather than on the next move. I just hope He likes the Jitter Bug.

I Need a Backhoe

I was thinking about that old philosophical conundrum about what happens when an irresistable force meets an immovable object. Of course these two things are mutually exclusive. The presence of one precludes the other. But I'm just thinking how difficult it is to change oneself. As I investigate and evaluate myself, I realize there are some significant changes I'd like to make. But I want the changes to happen now, and it's impossible. I want to move the mountain with one shovel full of dirt. But I need to be reminded that is not how change happens (unless you have some dynamite). To move a mountain, you need to take it one shovel at a time. Fill up the bucket, one at a time. Dump the bucket into the truck, one at a time. When the truck gets full you dump it and then start again. If you stay with it long enough, you will one day look up and realize that the mountain is moved. If only I had that irresistable force to wipe out this immovable object. I don't. So I'm reaching today for one shovel of dirt.

No Regrets

Today's blog will be simple and direct. Lucille Ball once said, "I'd rather regret the things that I have done than the things that I have not done." What have I left undone? Did I neglect to tell someone I love them, or I'm proud of them? Have I failed to give to those who are in need? Have I spent time with the lonely? Have I forgotten to pray for those who need a miracle? What is it that still needs to be done?

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head...

Today it is raining cats and dogs...and I stepped in a poodle...but seriously....
Rain makes a mess of things. Puddles, slippery roads, flooded streets, muddy shoes, muddy carpets, etc. Yet, without the rain, there would be a drought. Those of us in California can definitely relate to this. No new growth. The seeds waiting patiently in the ground to germinate, have to wait a little longer. Trees don't grow as fast during dry years. You can tell from their growth rings when there has been drought. I think that rain is is a good metaphor for life. What's that song say, "In every life a little rain must fall." This year has brought monsoons in my life. I look around and see the results of the devastation. It's going to take awhile to clean it all up. To rebuild. Yet all those seeds that have been laying dormant in my life are now starting to germinate. I am discovering and rediscovering things about me that I had forgotten about. I am having feelings that I forgot I could have. I've started to write again; to write poetry and songs. I am starting to look ahead with hope and with vision. The dormant Ron has germinated! Get ready for the new and improved me!

Artichokes and Onions (or Peelings, Nothing More Than Peelings)

The first time I ever ate an artichoke, I was so excited to get to the middle, that I just quickly peeled back the layers, only to find nothing in the middle. I remember being so disappointed, that I accused my mom of playing a joke on us. Then I learned that you have to enjoy each leaf. You have to take the leaf, dip it in mayo or some other dip and use your teeth to kinda scrape of the good stuff from the leaf. It's a process, and the joy is in the journey.

Onions, on the other hand, are different. You wanna peel the outer layer off quickly and slice it, dice it, or whatever you're going to do to it, as quickly as possible. If you don't the tears will soon be flowing. Anyone who's ever done this can attest that it is not a pleasant experience.

So I'm thinking, is this self reflection and introspection more like an artichoke or an onion? Should I take the time to savor each discovery or should I just get it over with as soon as possible, because it can be too painful otherwise? Or is it possible to do both? I don't know. This is my quandry.

Thank You For Being A Friend

I had dinner with some new friends last night. After we ate (I slurged on Prime Rib), we sat there for 3 more hours just talking and having a good time. As I reflect on this, I realize how important relationships are to me. My makeup is all about the interconnectedness of family, friends, and myself. Making the time to spend time together is the key. It is so easy for me to get so busy with what I am doing that I don't make the time. Then I start to feel lonely, and depressed and don't realize why. So I am resolving (not a New Years' resolution) to make more time for relationships. Not only so, but I am going to seek out new relationships. To engage people I don't know in conversation. I did that this morning at Starbucks. It made both of us stop and appreciate the beautiful morning and today's endless possibilities. I am resolving to care about what others are going through. To be part of this wonderful place we call life.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

From the time I was a youngster my folks always said, "God has a plan for your life, Ron." I hear people quote the verses like, "I know the plans I have for you. Plans to bless you and not to curse you." That's all well and good. But I think I've wasted alot of time and opportunities worrying about if something I decided on was God's plan. I think the plan is that I do something. The plan is that I be something. The plan is that I take the talents and abilities I have and use them. It doesn't really matter how. What matters is that I take what I've been given and use it productively. In a way that will not only make me happy, but will benefit others. That's the plan. It's the same for everyone. So let's stop worrying about the perfect plan, or if it's God's will. As the Nike commercial says, "Just Do It." That is the plan. So now I have to decide how I want to make the plan look.

Buried Treasure

It is easy to focus on the negative when examining yourself. Those are the things that scream for attention. I think most people are that way. So I'm going to try to focus on the positive from now on. At the risk of sounding like I'm tooting my own horn, here goes nothing.

I belief I possess a tremendous amount of talent that I can express in various ways. I write poetry and songs. I draw. I write. I can play multiple instruments. I have a great sense of humor and I am especialy adept at using wit. I am very accepting and loving of people in general. I feel I have a big heart. I am kind and respectful toward others. I have a good mind, and the ability to reason and analyze at a high level. I am loyal to my family and friends. I try to put others needs before my own. I am patient with people. After saying all this can I also list being humble.

I think that everyone should stop and take inventory of themselves and try to focus on the positives. It makes you feel good.

Good vs. Excellent

I once heard it said that "good enough" is the enemy of "the best." When I consider my life, I think I have often done just enough to get by. I know I was like that in school. I had the ability to get A's, but a B was just fine with me if it meant I didn't have to work as hard. Just a bit above average, but not excellent; not outstanding; not the best. Often work has been the same way. Just doing enough to get by without extra effort.

This is something I want to change. I want to be excellent; to be outstanding; to be the best that I can be. It means putting in that extra work. It means not settling for good enough.

Friend of Mine

"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." - Hecato, Greek Philospher.

The process of finding myself means that I must befriend myself. I must change for the better those things I can change. I must accept those things that I cannot change. The hard part is knowing the difference. I guess that is why we all need a little wisdom.

A friend accepts you for who you are. A friend is there for you when you are in trouble or upset. A friend will listen to you, and give you honest answers. A friend likes to spend time with you.
So for me, it means that I must accept me, to like me, to be honest with myself, to spend time by myself, to care for myself.

Ghostbusters

I am guilty of chasing ghosts. I have been focusing on a mirage. My emotions and efforts were entangled in a love affair without substance. A fantasy. Fortunately, I have come to my senses, before anymore time and effort was expended. Sometimes you just need a slap in the face or a bucket of water poured over your head to make you wake up.

Two things that I am taking from this experience:
One, I will no longer try to relive the past or to try to make things fit into my life the way I always thought they should. I will live in the present, and each day expect great things to happen. The past is past. No sense wasting anymore time on it.

Two, before doing the introspection I've been engaging in, I would have internalized my disappointment, and made an excuse to go on an eating binge. I drove by a popular burger restaurant, and my emotions were saying feed me. I wasn't hungry. I had already eaten dinner. My pain and rejection were calling out to me, "Indulge us!" But I know now that I deserve better. I am more powerful than those voices. I don't have to give in. I am taking care of me. So I went home and ate an orange, and had a good night's sleep.

Waiting to Exhale

We are all familiar with moments that take our breath away. Our first kiss, a beautiful sunset, a newborn baby, majesic mountains and such. This is a natural response to something exquisite; something special. I've been looking at my life and I'm starting to realize that I spend way to much time waiting for the next wonderful thing. I need to breathe. To exhale. To experience the now, rather than waiting for something else to come along. I spend too much time reminiscing about the past experiences or impatiently waiting for the future. But both of these steal from the present. In reality there is no past or future. That is a structure of the mind. Our brains remember, and have the ability to forecast based on past experiences. I'm not saying we shouldn't appreciate the past or the future. It's just that I have wasted so much of my life doing this that I have missed out on my present. No longer. Carpe Diem as they say. Seize the Day. So what shall I do? Today......

Consistency

I suppose my life has been characterized by being consistently inconsistent. I tend to start projects but don't finish them. I start a diet or exercise program but it never seems to last too long. As I reflect on me, I can say that I don't really like this quality. Am I afraid of success? Why do I do this? Is it because I lose focus?

I think that I need to learn to take things in smaller chunks. When I take on too much, I get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, and it paralyzes me. I need to focus on the task at hand, and not worry about the long-term goal.

Insisting on Myself

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Insist on yourself. Never imitate." As I ponder on this quote I think about how many people try to be like somebody else. They copy their style, their mannerisms, their lifestyle and such. I know I have been like that at times. Or maybe we try to be someone else to impress someone else. That's probably even more common.

As I search for the authentic me, I guess a good place to start is to be an authentic me. I am an original. I am unique. I am endowed with special skills, abilities, talents, resources, and experiences, the combination of which no one else possesses. There is no one in this world exactly like me. As such, I bring to mankind that which only I can bring. There is a place for me in this world and mankind is better off having me in it. Does this sound full of pride? I think if more people had this attitude, then there would be much less disingeneousness going around.

Patience with Patients and Patients with Patience

It's said that patience is a virtue. Some say that if you pray for patience, you can be sure to get trouble. It's been written that love is patient. So what is patience. The dictionary defines patience as the act of being patient. Big help. So I looked up patient. It comes from the latin word that means to suffer. There are 5 definitions given:

1. Bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint.
2. Manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain.
3. Not hasty or impetuous.
4. Steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.
5. Able or willing to bear.

Looking within, I think that in some ways I am a very patient person. I have endured much pain and suffering for a long time. But at the same time I can be very hasty or impetuous. I see something I want and I go for it. Sometimes to my detriment. But sometimes it has been worth it. Is it possible to be both patient and impatient? This is an area that I need to investigate further. Is it possible that there are times when impatience is a virtue?

Optical Illusions and Magician's Tricks

Life is full of disappointments. I've had my fair share. I guess everyone says that. I am beginning to realize what is more important is how I perceive the situation. Perception can be misleading. An optical illusion or a magician's trick are classic examples. You perceive with your senses one thing, but it is not actuality. The same goes for disappointments. Often, our pre-conceived ideas or notions lead us astray. I suppose one thing, but the reality is something different. Thus, I become disappointed when my expectations are not met.

So now I am going to change my attitude toward disappointments. I will resolve to look at the situation from all angles, to make sure I am perceiving correctly. I don't have to be devastated when I am disappointed. It's not always me. Sometimes the outcome of a situation has nothing to do with me. There are other factors involved.

I must learn to be patient in every situation. To make sure I am viewing everyting correctly and not being led astray by my presuppositions.

Pill Bugs and Armadillos

As I continue to look within to learn more about who I am, one thing is clear: I hate conflict. I think confict is the lowest form of human interaction. I am not talking about a debate on an issue. This is a constructive way to discuss and resolve issues. I'm talking about the senseless arguments, name calling, accusations and the like, that go on between people who say they "love" each other. Some people call it drama. I call it a travesty.

I avoid conflict like the plague. I will do whatever necessary to get out of a situation in which I am being threatened. I will lie if it is necessary. I will stay away from the person creating the drama. I am like one of those rolly pollies or pill bugs, that roll up into a protective ball when you touch it. Armadillos are the same way. They have that hard outer shell and soft insides. When these creatures feel threatened they go into defense mode. Of course if someone decideds to squash them, nothing they do is doing to help.

So I am trying to get to the root of my conflict avoidance. Do I not value myself enough to stand up for what I think is right? Am I just so much of a "lover" and not a "fighter" that I do this. Is there a time for peace and a time for war? These are the questions I am asking myself at present. I don't have the answers yet.

Miss Match

No witty thoughts today. Just realizing that being on my own means I am wholely responsible for my life. Having said that, I am also realizing that I am such a social creature, I need to do things with people. After being married for so long, you develop relationships with other married people. It becomes much harder to meet quality single people when you are older, because you're much more settled in your career, and have less leisure time, like you did in college. At the suggestion of a friend, I joined Match.com. I've sent out about 100 e-mails. I've only received 2 returns, and they said "Sorry, not a match. Good luck in your search." My profile has been viewed 25 times. Nothing like setting yourself up for rejection. I think I'm going to rethink this approach. It's one thing to be rejected by people you know, but being rejected by people you've never met kinda hurts.

Ex-Cons

I have a cousin that will soon be getting out of prison. When prisoners are freed from prison, they still are not really free. They have to report to a parole officer on a regular basis, and there are a number of things they cannot do depending on the terms of their parole. I think divorce is like being paroled from prison. You are glad your sentence is over. You've done your time. But there are connections to the past that still linger; joint debts, tax bills, children, memories, etc.

How do I find "me" when I am still entwined in this old relationship? Will I always have this connection? Even after financial entanglements are over, I still have the children and memories (there were some good ones). My daughter is living with me right now. We are not very combatible I've discovered. Conflicts abound. I fear the patterns that were developed during my marriage are being replayed. Guess I'm going to have to man up and arrange for her to find somewhere else to live. I don't like conflict, and I know this is going to cause a huge argument.
It's either this or my friends can find me in an institution soon.

New Beginnings

This year I resolved not to make any resolutions. So far it's going well. As I think about this new year in its infancy, I think about possibilities. The decisions I make today will determine the possibilities tomorrow. I realize now that where I am today is a result of the decisions I made before. I will choose to make good decisions today about what I eat, working out, reading something inspiring, calling friends and loved ones just because (even though it is a holiday).

Something that I am evaluating about me is "Why do I seem to be attracted to women that are either geographically or emotionally unavailable. Is there an underlying reason? Fear of rejection maybe. If they are not available then I can blame that if they don't want to be with me. I would like to find someone who let's me be me and likes me for being me. Life is a marvelous, exciting journey. It's nice to have someone to share it with. Someone who actually wants to be there with you....